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A soliloquy from the sickroom ...

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Aida View Drop Down
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  Quote Aida Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: A soliloquy from the sickroom ...
    Posted: 11 Nov 2012 at 00:50
... kidding - I'm almost better, but I had to pretend to be not so well again since I misread the Sky Sports pages and Barca don't play until tomorrow! I'm disappointed - but not as disappointed as the poor hubba who is wearing his Barca home shirt and is clutching a pint of Stella!

Oh well, never mind - here we are again for the annual ‘Pin your Poppy on an Inappropriate Body Part’ fiasco!

Blimey O'Reilly - I forgot the old buffer was having a week off and the show was being hosted by these two talentless tarts! Why did the spots have to desert me in my hour of need - I could have wangled another week off from Brenda - Aaarrggh - there’s Miranda - don’t go, Miranda - pleeeaassee! Rats! Too late!

And it's off with the video opening and into real time - here they come, Tactless dressed as a porn waitress and the Ashen-faced Dwarf Winklepicker dressed as an escapee from a Victorian workhouse, both tottering dangerously on ridiculously high heels and ‘dancing’ down the little steps together with all the grace of two survivors of a train crash staggering up an embankment!

Am I delirious again or did they say ‘Wembley’ next week? Why? It was a bliddy disaster last year.

Arrrgggghhhh - Gnasher and her Prisoner of the Week!

Oh shut the f*ck up, Tactless and get on! Who’s first out of the starting gates?

The Impostor and Jordan the Boor:-
Ohmigod - the glorious and beautiful Ian Waite, My Original Beloved subbing for the ’injured Jordan’ - thank you, Lord! Hold on, thanks to some interfering doctor, it seems we’re still stuck with the boring Jordan boor! Garrrgggghhhhh!
Can’t stand them - they should never have shown the footage of beautiful Ian dancing like a demi-god - and this music absolutely sucks - and have I mentioned that I hate the pair of them anyway so why am I getting meself in a state and making my remaining spots itch?

I see Dreary’s been tempted by the hair extensions, yah - and off they go, raving about the Beeb’s chosen favourites for the Glitterball! Yawn! Pass me the menu for the Chinese, hubba - I know, I know - the Shouting Man always just sends whatever he has in the wok, but let’s divert ourselves for a moment or two.

He can’t hear me, he’s remonstrating with Solomon who wants to go out for a wee and has thrown a tantrum because he doesn’t want cat food, he wants Chinese.

Back to the fiasco then - after bell to bell bollox from t’joodges, they - Oh here he is again, My Original Beloved - swoooon - let’s start a Blue Room campaign to bring back Ian and Matthew! Meanwhile, back in the Ashen Dwarf’s lair, as expected, the West End musical star and her partner get stupidly high bliddy marks from t’joodges - I wish there was a phone line where I could vote off my least favourites - I might even risk a fiver on this charmless pair!

ITV Richard and La Boag:-
I hate these video clips - unless Ian’s in them - Oh here we go - I like the Charleston, I like her costume and I like this music - I know, I know - it wasn’t great but I really liked it and Bruno thinks it’s worth a bit of a cadenza! Oh where the hell is the sedative nurse - come here, dear, and give Dreary a double dose of something strong, there’s a love!

Luscious Louis and Fast Flav:-
Nooooo! Not the frigging arch and swing! Never mind - they have lovely music, the gown is beautiful apart from that pointless black frill, the boy Louis looks deliciously divine - but when the hell are they going to start to waltz? Phew - in the nick of time, they‘re off- gorgeous!

Yoohoo, Man in the Hat!

Yawn - and here we have a ‘joodges fracas’ to fill in the time usually taken up by Pop Forsyth’s usual mindless babble as rehearsals must have confirmed that Tactless has zero personality and can’t even be trusted to read the autocue in an amusing fashion and Winklepicker is as charismatic as the average amoeba.

Next! And hurry it up …

The Diet-Liar and Comrade Teethski:-
Ugh, I’m not watching this bit of last week’s footage in case I lose my appetite for my dinner! Why’s she wearing a mac - Oh, she’s torn it off to reveal a Latin frock! So what dance are they allegedly doing - salsa, my arse - it’ll be his usual mixed up bits of Latin show dance. I see he still can’t get a shirt which fits him and on closer examination, that frock’s a bit young for her, isn’t it?
Well, what a surprise - Dreary’s also a salsa expert!   Pop Goodman trots out his tiresome ‘yer came out ..’, Bruno had a mini-cadenza and Revile-Horrid misses his turn - serve him right after what he had to say about lovely Louis!

Biker Vicky and Brenda(n):-
Quickstep? We’ll see! Heavens - a whole taxi? Whatever next? The Empire State Building? The Statue of Liberty?   Gorgeous gown, though, and once Brenda(n) lost the hat it looked pretty good to me - loved the music too!
Craig demonstrates ‘How to mess up a joke’, Dreary confirms that she’s a Quickstep expert too, and Pop and Bruno damn them with faint praise.

Dani Beaker and the lovely Vinthent:-
Tango - well, he’th good at the tango tho …hell’th bellth - now there’th a bliddy phone box - at thith rate there’ll be no room left to danthe! Well, I loved the danthe, onthe they got going but the muthic wath appalling and did nowt for it.
The eejit audience are always ‘on their bliddy feet’, Tactless - could you sit still while 750 volts shot through your nether regions, you simple bint?
Quelle surprise - Dreary’s a Tango expert too - yah!

Hurry up for God’s sake - I’m hungry and so is Solomon - we’re invalids and we should be indulged! And it’s here, so on goes the DVD recorder and into the supper we dive! I’m allowed a half a bottle of champagne tonight - I’ve not been able to drink a drop of alcohol all week, because it made my spots worse, but I’ll risk it.
The hubba took great exception to me preparing a little saucer of food for Solomon on my dinner tray so that he wouldn’t have to jump up and down to eat his share - and while I was telling him (the hubba) to mind his own business, Orlando blind sided me and pinched two pieces of chicken and a few mouthfuls of prawns and rice!

Okay, now that we’re all fed and I’m onto my last (small) glass of champagne, I instruct the hubba to fire up the DVD and on with the show ….

Westlife Nicky and the Lone Brunette:-
Eeeeeek - there’s another Westlifer there? Just the one? Phew - thank the Lord - they can’t strike up singing if there are only two of them, surely! Ahem - why’s she wearing a belly-dancing dress and when are they going to do the dance they’re supposed to be doing?
Didn’t like it at all - not enough dancing and too much faffing.
Note to Westlife Nick - a bloke called Frank Sinatra actually sang ‘The Best is yet to come’ before Michael Bubbly! Decades before! And better!

The Westlifer is swiftly followed by the Girl Aloud - yawn - this lass is duller than Dreary Bussell, and I hope she’s not counting on buying her Christmas presents with the royalties from her ‘solo album’ if that awful dirge-like destruction of ‘There’s a Place for us’ is anything to go by!

The Girl Aloud and Pashion:-
The Vienna Whirl - and another lovely gown! Are wardrobe hiring them from Erin this week? Very nice dance indeed, much better than her singing - Oh, God help us and save us - there’s Biffa Cole in the audience! Quick, pretend you didn’t see her, cameraman - and for God’s sake don’t give her a microphone!

Too late, Tactless has seen her and is sucking up shamelessly, but is interrupted by Dreary who is determine to demonstrate that she is also a waltz expert - am I imagining things, or is Pop Goodman starting to look at her askance? Bruno quickly switches attention to himself by launching into a major cadenza.

I’ve got the hiccups now - I never get the hiccups with gin - I just asked the hubba to put me a drop of brandy in my remaining bubbly and he refused on the grounds that I know alcohol makes the spots itch worse and he’s fed up with being awakened at 2am to rub calamine cream on my back.

Huh! For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, my arse!

Michael the Cricketer and Tina Sparkle:-
I’m not fond of that particular shade of turquoise, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be - I’m getting bored now and I just feel sorry for Natalie as I still think she should have been partnered with the lovely Colin who was stiffed with the Soviet Strumpet.

And finally …

Lisa Dingle and the Kwik-fit Fitter:-
I know, I know - I’m alone in feeling like this, but I’m fed up to the back teeth with her grinning, ‘cheeky’ cheerfulness - and those hats were a stupid idea as they made them look like Laurel and Hardy in some kind of surreal homoerotic fantasy!
Oh, shut up, Bruno - yes, you’ve excelled yourself with cadenzas, but you’re getting hysterical now - calm down - you’ll soon be racing to the bar with the other joodges in hot pursuit!
I faded the other joodges out as I’m tired of hearing how wonderful she is, and played throwing the catnip mouse with assorted cats - which was silly of me as I almost missed that hilarious moment when Lisa took off like some sort of mighty ocean liner dragging a poor little tug and by sheer force of strength and velocity, caused Robin to go a purler at the foot of the stairs!

How we laughed - even more so when the hubba suggested that the poor old fitter might have actually taken a dive so that he can be ‘injured’ and get a rest next week!

Sorry for the lack of ‘smilies’ - I’m tired now and I keep putting them in the wrong place!







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  Quote TashaK Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Nov 2012 at 10:36
Originally posted by Aida

Lisa Dingle and the Kwik-fit Fitter:-
I know, I know - I’m alone in feeling like this, but I’m fed up to the back teeth with her grinning, ‘cheeky’ cheerfulness - and those hats were a stupid idea as they made them look like Laurel and Hardy in some kind of surreal homoerotic fantasy!



No, you're not alone. I've never been a fan anyway but she's just irritating me now

Hope you're feeling better, Aida, it sucks to have a children's illness when you're an adult (mine was chickenpox, I thought I was dying!).

Thanks for the return of the blog    You really do sum it up perfectly
Before you criticise someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you do criticise them you'll be a mile away and you'll have their shoes.
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  Quote BambionIce Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Nov 2012 at 11:08
[QUOTE=Aida]...
Blimey O'Reilly - I forgot the old buffer was having a week off and the show was being hosted by these two talentless tarts! 

And it's off with the video opening and into real time - here they come, Tactless dressed as a porn waitress and the Ashen-faced Dwarf Winklepicker dressed as an escapee from a Victorian workhouse, both tottering dangerously on ridiculously high heels and ‘dancing’ down the little steps together with all the grace of two survivors of a train crash staggering up an embankment!
 
LOLLOLLOL  Welcome back, Aida! A perfect description!
 
By the way - Gnasher and her "prisoner of the week".  Has anybody, anywhere, every actually bothered listening to what they have to say?  I've never been even remotely tepted!
 
 



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  Quote littlesue Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Nov 2012 at 15:15
Very funny, though as a genuine dwarf I'm a bit upset you refer to Claudia as a Dwarf, she has about 6 inches on me!!Big%20smile
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  Quote Catwoman Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Nov 2012 at 19:55
Love it Aida, I love the fact your not a fan of the Dingle.

Made me laugh a lot hope you feel better soon x
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  Quote Tups Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 Nov 2012 at 21:57
oh I missed you Aida... have to admit I can't remember the show cos I'd been decorating all day so I was watching in body but not in spirit lol
Nice to have you back.. and I agree with everything you said!
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  Quote anniemay Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Nov 2012 at 15:11
Glad your feeling better Aida, your not alone in your getting bored with Lisa, crikey, there are 2 or 3 of us !! 
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