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Once more into the breach, dear friends ...

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Aida View Drop Down
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  Quote Aida Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Once more into the breach, dear friends ...
    Posted: 07 Oct 2012 at 11:25
… or Part Deux of the Seasonal Saturday Fiasco, if our marvellous Swan of Avon isn’t to your taste! See that - ya get a bit of ‘culture’ on ‘The Blue Room‘, yeah!   

Well, the hubba got safely to Swindon, thank the Lord, but SCD’s just not the same without him chortling away and stuffing his face - not to mention making me lovely, icy drinks and diverting these bliddy cats from tormenting me! When they aren’t yowling to go out, they’re wailing to come in again, and they seem to spend the rest of their time yelling their heads off for food, chasing each other around the house in a feline version of The Grand National, or digging industriously in their litter trays!

Speaking of cat-food, I’ve lost today’s Battle of Wills with the Black Oriental, Solomon - or ‘Lord Soldemort’ as he’s usually known in this house. The moment the hubba packs his travelling bag and waves me ‘Arriverderci‘, Solomon ‘gives up’ cat food’. Never mind, the M&S Special Chow Mein wasn’t very special at all, so I only ate enough of it to maintain my blood sugar and gave the rest to Sol who pounced on it joyfully, ate a few mouthfuls, then gave me a look which would have corroded concrete and stalked off upstairs, tail like a ramrod! He was probably off to phone Siamese Rescue!

Right - it’s no use putting it off any longer, so let’s kick off with marvelling at the idiocy of still more deluded GBP eejits babbling on about how ‘wonderful’ SCD is - here’s a tip, deluded eejits - get a bliddy life!

Surely to God it can’t possibly be as bad as it was last night - rats, it seems it can!

Here come ’our wonderful professional dancers’ cavorting around mindlessly, the women doing some sort of unspecified fast, squirmy, wiggly dance while wearing bathing cossies in eye-watering shades of glittering fabric trimmed with miles of beading while the men, all wearing fixed rictus grins, chase and try to catch them.

*Sighing* I can remember the days when the pro dances and costumes were tasteful, but those days - and Il Divino - are long gone and … blimey … what’s Tactless sporting? It seems to be a sort of long white vest with the front cut out, and the addition of the sacred belt in a doomed attempt to make it look stylish!
‘Drab’ is the word which sprang to my mind - Karl Legerfield certainly has nothing to fear from Vermin - and having seen the get-ups the zelebs have been squeezed into, he has nothing to fear from the SCD costume designers either.
Only La Boag, wearing a ravishing gown of her own, sticks out like a very well dressed sore thumb, as does La Bella Jerry who’d probably look glamorous in a bin-liner!

Get on, get on - aaaarrgggh - Gnasher again!
The shelf-stacker’s managed to escape from her lair but she’s now stiffed with Popeye Donovan who would turn up anywhere for the opening of an envelope. Let’s hope they bore each other to death!   

Is this debacle ever going to start?

It is - with a Girl Aloud and Pashion of the Prison Haircut:-
Well, the boy’s good and there seems to be some char x3 in the routine - he’s done his best with ‘Kimberley’, but she’s rather forgettable and interchangeable with the other ‘Girls Aloud‘, isn’t she, yeah? What do you think, Dreary?

Fading out the droning on and the furious feelings that someone, possibly the producer, has forbidden her to say ’Yeah’ even once tonight and ruined all of my planned comic remarks, I find myself mesmerised by her hairstyle. It looks as if it was last worn by Vera Lynn, and so does the frock - tell me, Dreary, what’s the point of wearing chandelier earrings then hiding them in your side hair? I only ask as it’s a fashion mystery to me!

Ooops - Bruno’s off on a minor cadenza! After the flatness of last night’s show, the powers-that-be at the Beeb seem to have reversed their decision on closing the Green Room Bar - it’s obviously open tonight and he seems to have had quite a few large swallows of grappa before the show!

Next, please - and hurry it up! I haven’t got all bliddy night!

Rick-ey Eastender and Ooh la la:-
At last - a proper evening suit complete with white tie and tails - he looks divine - unlike Ooh who, despite the lovely colour of the material, looks like a scrubber in a harem skirt, bra and veil which fails to veil acres of bare midriff and belly. Never mind, their waltz was better than okay and precipitated Bruno, who seems pissed out of his head already, into another frenzy of babbling praise - the other male joodges seemed quite impressed too, but Dreary simply had to add her depressing two penn’orth!

Is it just me, or does the life seem to drain out of the programme as soon as Dreary Bussell opens her mouth? Maybe she’s a Dementor in disguise?

Who’s next - I’m getting very bored and sleepy …

The Auld Fella and a Red Peril Clone: -
I know the Red Peril looked less than thrilled at the partner allocation in the launch show, but crocking her leg seems to be going a bit far to avoid having to teach Johnny to roll the floors. Hmmm - she might live to regret that as the new lass can dance and has a personality, although let’s face it, while Johnny proved to be a game old buffer and cheerfully had a decent enough go at the char x 3, we’re not really going to get to know her as I can’t see him lasting beyond Week 3?

I’m tired of t’joodges now, so I’m going to ignore them - Craig has a face like a smacked bum, Bruno’s raving and Pop Goodman is struggling to stay in role as ’The People’s Friend’! As for Dreary, this show could be 15 minutes shorter if someone would remind her that she isn’t the Head Joodge and tell her to shut the f*ck up!

Who’s next?

Tracey Beaker (?who?) and mio povero Vinthente:-
He’th got hith work cut out there - Tracey’th a very thurdy child to haul around and not terribly gratheful, but fair’th fair - it wath a proper waltth. Cue the uthual cheap-thot joketh from Forthyth about them being tho thmall - he probably premiered the wedding-cake joke at the nuptials of Napoloeon and Jothephine - yawn - thtill more patronithing droning from Dreary, but at latht, the vodka thurged into Craig’th bloodthream and he leapth into thparkling life and thut her up! Hooray for Craig!   

And the next victims are - Oh crikey - I’ve been dreading this!    Take a deep breath, Aida, and remember you’re no sylph yourself!

Blimey O’Riley and the Kwik-Fit fitter:-
What can I say? She’s a lovely lass, packed to the brim with personality, but whoever dreamed up that costume should be taken out and shot! I know, I know - costumes for the larger lady are never going to be easy - but a belt?   
Surely ‘the dress with the stripe down the front’, as worn by robust opera soprano’s determined to give the illusion of being slimmer than the tenor, might have been more flattering? Having said that, it was a spirited, nay, dervish-like dance performance and confirmed my ‘warming’ to the dear old fitter - he gallantly offered his shirt to little Chelsee last year after her wardrobe malfunction - and in tonight’s thunderous char x 3, his face didn’t betray a flicker of fear, not once!

Heavens! Bruno’s up on his feet and having a full-blown cadenza, complete with waving arms, popping eyes and speech so rapid I thought he was speaking Italian for the first 30 seconds - even Craig managed to be quite pleasant, and Len broke out his Hallowe’en Lantern grin to counteract Dreary’s attempt to extinguish the first signs of ‘fun’ this series with her carefully worded, patronising advice

(note to Green Room bar staff - Bruno’s had *quite* enough to drink now. Floor Manager - summon the sedative nurse and have her standing by!)

Richard the Critic and La Boag:-
Well, I must say, it’s very refreshing to see a cupple actually dressed as if they intend to do a proper ballroom dance - and - Heavens to Betsy - after an initial faff, they *are* doing a proper - and very beautiful - ballroom dance to really nice music! Okay, a couple of glitches, but it was the waltz of the series so far for me! I must find out who this bloke is - he seems to be taking it seriously but has a good, dry sense of humour - unlike Dreary who has no sense of humour at all, and offers unhelpful ‘advice’ until Pop Goodman, tearing off his ‘People’s Friend’ mask, puts her right about what constitutes a good waltz! Teehee!

It must be near the frigging end of the show now - sorry - I’m a bit fratchy because I’ve only had one small drink, on account of being too busy scribbling notes to get up and make another! Why can’t cats be trained to do simple things like making cocktails?

And the next contestants are ….

La Bella Jerry and The Berk:-
The char x3 - again - and we all know how *marvellous* the Berk is at choreographing ‘Latin’!   
Never mind, it starts well (if a little faffy) with the lovely Jerry posing and looking impossibly glamorous - trouble is, it’s rinse and repeat all the way through! I’m disappointed - I thought she’d be better, but of course, she *is* stiffed with the Berk and is significantly taller than him, even in lowish heels.
*Sighing* - imagine how different it all might have been if only My Original Beloved Ian Waite had been there to partner her - or Il Divino Cutler himself? They’d have made her look like dancing goddess.
(Note to Tactless Tess - Don’t stand next to La Bella Jerry again, dear - you look like a scruffy mongrel standing beside an Afghan Hound! )

And finally … the one we’ve all been waiting for …

Luscious Louis and Fast Flav: -
Mmmmrrrrowl- what a little beauty he is, even with that horrible hairstyle - let’s hope he can dance! Well - erm - I *think* he can although I wasn’t really watching his feet much to be honest, I’m not even sure if he did the char x 3.
He certainly seems to have livened up t’joodges - Bruno fancied him something rotten and Dreary was struck dumb (thankfully) and all of a do as long-forgotten hormones surged through her - I know this because something similar happened to me while I was watching him.
Craig and Len remained stoically ‘professional’, a professionalism which probably stemmed from jealousy on the one hand and refusal to follow the crowd and drool over Luscious Louis on the other!
I’m now wondering who’ll run off with him first - Dreary, Flav or Bruno!

Thank the Lord that’s finished - it would have been finished quicker if my mad sister hadn’t phoned when I was half way through it!

I’m not looking forward to next week’s marathon review, but at least the hubba will be home to make drinks and herd cats - and The Shouting Man at the Chinese’s worries that we’ve abandoned him will be over!

Arriverderci, tutti - or ‘Ciao for now‘, whichever you prefer!

Edited by Aida - 07 Oct 2012 at 11:30

Cats were once worshipped as gods in Ancient Egypt. They've never forgotten this.

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Bren View Drop Down
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  Quote Bren Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 Oct 2012 at 12:08
as always Aida brilliant best laugh of the week
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  Quote Thess Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 Oct 2012 at 14:13
Great read, as usual, Aida. Yah?

Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but backwards and in high heels.
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  Quote Tups Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 Oct 2012 at 22:21
brilliant Aida..as usual
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  Quote BCfan Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 Oct 2012 at 00:03
Originally posted by Aida

(Note to Tactless Tess - Don’t stand next to La Bella Jerry again, dear - you look like a scruffy mongrel standing beside an Afghan Hound! )

Oh Aida, I so love to read your reviews.  The above quote was my favourite of the whole review. Classic.   Thank you for brightening up SCD.  I only managed to watch about 25 minutes of the Friday show, and could not take any more, and I did not even attempt to watch show No 2.  I would, however, never miss your reviews.  You make SCD for me.  Thank you.Clap

Edited by BCfan - 09 Oct 2012 at 00:04
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