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And now, in a cunning move ...

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Aida View Drop Down
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  Quote Aida Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: And now, in a cunning move ...
    Posted: 06 Oct 2012 at 17:17
… to discombobulate you all, here I am!

I know, I know - I said it would be tomorrow, but the hubba’s set off for Swindon and I’m already miserable and fretting because it’s such a long way for him to drive and I worry about him.
Meanwhile, I’m stuck here with the feline rabble because my sister, who was supposed to be going shopping with me this afta, has cried off because she had a tiring morning trying to catch her horse, who, suspecting rightly that she had an appointment with the farrier, skipped jauntily around the field like a circus pony, playfully cavorting just out of reach for almost an hour.

Besides, I needed cheering up - my second-favourite football team in the entire world (Sunderland) have just lost to Man City, I’ve finished all of my other work and I’m boo-ooo-red, so I decided to fire up the DVD recorder and watch last night’s show!

So, here we all are again, amici - about to leap back on to that glittering, magical - no, scrub that bollox - here we are again about to leap back into months of ‘Strictly Lunacy‘!

Mind you, if you think it’s tough for we discerning viewers, imagine the poor executive producer/s hurtling through their pre ’going live’ checks before the real mayhem begins, i.e.

* Autocue set to display foot-high letters in bold colours and simple language which Old Pop Forsyth and Tactless Tess can actually read - check.

* Production assistant with VERY LOUD VOICE poised to counteract the old fossil’s deafness through his earpiece - check.

* Sedative nurse’s medications prepared and drawn up, defibrillator tested and working - check.

* Audience seating voltage to the left of Bruno set to highest level below ‘Fatal’ to ensure ‘standing ovations’ throughout - check.

* Remainder of off-camera audience seating voltage set to ‘Hysterical Whooping’ -check.

* Junior member of staff who was dragooned into ‘testing’ the voltage of the seats sent off to hospital for treatment for shock - check.

* Floor manager responsible for leading the applause limbering up with his personal trainer - check.

* Security staff standing by to hustle Pop Forysth off the stage if he starts to warble on about nowt/begin to launch himself into a song-and-dance routine or keels over and remains unmoving for more than 30 seconds. Secondary duties to include shaking other judges awake while Dreary is speaking - check!

All of this was probably going on while the opening VT ran, showcasing a bunch of ninnies culled from the Great British Public expressing their excited anticipation - well, I suppose the production team didn’t include those who told them to eff off - anyway, the BBC are (allegedly) making ’cuts’, so it probably still worked out cheaper than hiring actors, even on basic Equity rate!

Aaaaand - here we go - Shufflin’ Methuselah doing his ’picking one’s way over hot coals on tiptoe’ routine and Tess of the Horrible Frocks wearing what appears to be a school pinafore dress crafted from the stuff they make diver’s wet suits from.
Hmmm - perhaps Vermin has given up sewing and plumped for just gluing his creations together? Never mind - it looks atrocious but it has nice big pockets that should hold a selection of resuscitation drugs - just in case!

And here they come, the Stars of - crikey - how many of the blighters are there? I was led to believe only half of them were dancing (I use the term loosely) last night - if they’re all performing now, I’ll be sat here until Doomsday!
Phew - thank the Lord, it *is* only half of the motley crew tonight - I nearly had to have an afternoon drink or two for the shock there!

*Screams*! I might have those drinks anyway, I’ve just caught sight of Gnasher Hardy, grinning like a barracuda, her Prisoner of the Week that skinny shelf-stacker from last year’s debacle.

Right - let’s get a start - and first up we have …

Fern the Faux-Dieter and Comrade Teethski - who still can’t get a shirt to fit him, poor soul, so has had an extra coat of Cuprinol to ensure that the chest gleams as brightly as the 62 teeth!
I’ve got a spot of news for La Britten too - you’re not best-known for gurning around with Shouty Schofield,dear - you’re actually best-known for lying about your gastric band! Miaow!Saucer of skimmed milk for one, please!
They’re apparently doing the char x3 - good luck, tovarich, you’ll never get a showdance out of her! Hahahaha - well - I’ve seen worse, I suppose - the funniest part was watching Teethski work his butt off trying to steer her on course - at this rate he’s going to be worn out by Week 3!

Yoohoo, Man in the Hat - yes, yes, we all know t’joodges, get on, get on, get on!

And they do ’get on’ - just the usual burble, strangely more muted than usual, Craig Revile-Horrid booed to the echo for telling the truth, Dreary droned on a bit - hey, it’s just struck me - she’s probably there as a non-chemical sedative to calm Bruno - she’s certainly ’calming’ me, I could drift off to sleep!   

Wake up, Aida, you silly tart - erm - okay - rewind - at least I had a laugh at the Comrade trying to keep his fixed rictus of a smile at the scores.


Who the hell are these two - Oh, right, it’s …

The Westlifer and the Lone Brunette: - Heavens - I shall need subtitles for him - and they’re doing the Waltz. Hmmm - I never saw Victor Sylvester or Fred Astaire waltz in braces - and is that a waltz gown, Thess? Anyway, I couldn’t have guessed the dance from the costumes or the dance steps - faff, faff, faff - whirl around for 8 seconds - faff - whirl - faff - lift - faff - lousy!
Bruno’s off on a quite muted cadenza, but Craig seems in a stroppy mood - I love Craig! Dreary just drones, drones, drones, yeah?

D’you know what? Bruno and Craig *do* seem very muted and moody - I wonder if the BBC, as part of their ‘cuts‘, have closed the Green Room Bar!    Here’s some advice, Beeb - open it - now, or Dreary will bore the nation into a coma - yeah?

Who’s next?
Michael (?) the Cricketer and Tina Sparkle:- Poor Tina, she looks lovely, she’s a beautiful dancer and she‘s my favourite, but she’s doomed because unfortunately he looks - and dances - as if he’s just been stuffed by a very good taxidermist! Yes, folks - he’s *that* animated and dynamic!
Dreary gives a lot of advice, yeah - I wish she’d shut the f*ck up! Open that bar, BBC, for God’s sake - it’ll be licence money well spent!

And now we have …

Vicky the Biker and Brenda(n) - well she should be good - she’ll have to be to justify appearing in that horrible outfit! Shock, horror - she seems to have lost her way somewhat - maybe she’d do better if they let her ride a unicycle around Brenda(n)?
Oh, will you bliddy shut UP, Dreary - you must have heard the lass say ‘I’m sorry’ to Brenda(n), everybody else did - and it was obvious to a blind man on a galloping horse that she’d missed a step or two, panicked and never caught up! She’s *crying*, you Stepford simpleton - leave it, yeah?
Don’t cry, Victoria, you’ll do better next week, love - and even if you don’t, what do you care, you’ve already proved yourself and won gold medals you can be much more proud of!

Colin Somebody and The Soviet Strumpet:-
Yawn - do her ‘dances’ never, ever change? Do they all have to be salacious pole-dances? He might have been okay if he’d had a chance, he certainly made a handsome ‘pole’, but no - the SS is paid to slither and slither she will! I must have missed him starring as ‘007’, did I, yeah? Blimey, now I’m at it!

At last - the final cupple of the show - Oh right - it’s …

The Impostor Van Outen and Jumped-up Jordan!
What a bliddy load of nonsense! Are the Beeb really expecting viewers to be soooo dim and gullible they don’t realise that ‘starring’ in various West End musical theatre productions requires a certain amount of dance-training!
I’m sick of the pair of them already and I’m very suspicious that this is a set-up to ensure that Big Mouth Jordan ‘wins’ the Glitter ball - a suspicion confirmed by Old Pop Goodman, Craig and Bruno waxing lyrical - of course, Dreary, yeah, had to add her mite, yeah, and give some gratuitous advice, yeah?

Right - that’s the first show done - if it doesn’t get significantly better than this, I shall be doing a ‘Red Peril’ and ‘breaking my leg’ so that Bren lets me go off sick!

See you all later, yeah - hopefully in a better mood after a couple of stiff drinks and a Marks & Spencer Special Chow Mein for One (and four cats), yeah? At least we have Luscious Louis to look forward to! YEAH!!!

Edited by Aida - 06 Oct 2012 at 17:24

Cats were once worshipped as gods in Ancient Egypt. They've never forgotten this.

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Bren View Drop Down
Vintage Vamp
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  Quote Bren Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 Oct 2012 at 17:40
oh it will improve Aida - you know you love it !!! haha NO sick leaves :))

love this bit

Poor Tina, she looks lovely, she’s a beautiful dancer and she‘s my favourite, but she’s doomed because unfortunately he looks - and dances - as if he’s just been stuffed by a very good taxidermist! Yes, folks - he’s *that* animated and dynamic!
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BambionIce View Drop Down
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  Quote BambionIce Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 Oct 2012 at 18:31
Aida, even yesterday's cardboard affair comes alive under your critical eyeClap.  Bravo, and good wishes to you and the hubba at a difficult time!
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Tups View Drop Down
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  Quote Tups Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 Oct 2012 at 21:51
welcome back Aida,,, just catching up now as the family been over for Sunday Dinner so only just reading your blog.. excellent as usual.. program was crap though.. on to the second show... couldn't get any worse could it yah?????
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  Quote Tango Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 Oct 2012 at 09:26
Just caught up on the show last night and had to pop in here this morning - a fab-u-lous review. Keep up the great work.
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