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Launch show, 2012 ...

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Aida View Drop Down
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  Quote Aida Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Launch show, 2012 ...
    Posted: 16 Sep 2012 at 09:44
... and not a single bottle of champagne smashed over anyone's head!

I do wish they wouldn’t start at 6:30pm when the nights are still light - I couldn’t watch it all in one go (thank God) because Barca kick off at 7pm and they need me, but the hubba’s not mollified by the news that I won’t be deserting my beloveds. He’s in the kitchen mixing us drinks while grumbling and muttering darkly that I promised him faithfully he wouldn’t ever have to suffer SCD again. He should be used to it - I say it every year!

All the cats are jostling for position on the sofa with me apart from Solomon whose current favourite game is refusing to come in for his dinner and bedtime, and darting around the garden eluding the hubba until it starts to get dark, then leaping out at him from unexpected vantage points. The hubba told me yesterday his heart won’t take much more of this - but now he’s in a bad mood because I decided (for the health of his heart and mine) to have cold chicken salad for dinner and he, of course, wanted Chinese!

And we’re off …

Dear God in Heaven - what have I let myself in for?   Just when I’d started to believe it couldn’t get any tackier than it was last year, I was proved wrong within the first two minutes!   

I needed a large gulp of a stiff G&T as I tried to work out who all the blonde women scantily clad in scraps of sparkly pink stuff were, reasoning that they must be the zelebs or the cast of TOWIE since none of the female so-called ‘professional dancers’ ever had such flaxen, tumbling manes of hair.

Well, they have now! Obviously much of this year’s wardrobe budget has been blown on bleach and fake hair - of course wardrobe must have saved a lot by dressing the ‘professional’ men in stretchy fish-net shirts two sizes too small for them, and given them all what was known as a ‘prison’ haircut when I was a gel!   

How well I remember my mother’s screams, tears and Krakatoa-like cadenza when she caught sight of my Dad sporting said haircut - how I wish someone had laughed as helplessly as my sister and I did at our Dad when that fool David Beckham showed his version of it to the public and caused every male sheep in the UK to copy him.

The opening ‘number’ seemed to consist of frantic running up and down steps, and, at one magical point, the male contingent hoisting Tactless Tess up like a totem pole and rushing off with her, hopefully as a human sacrifice! Unfortunately, she must have managed to fight them off and reappeared, wearing a dress so hideous it defied description, augmented by the sacred belt and including a failed attempt to make it risqué by the use of flesh-coloured gauze! Even by Vermin’s low standards of couture, an epic fail.

She wasn’t alone. Pop Forysth, resplendent in new syrup, and looking even more like a tortoise poking its head out of its shell than he did last year, came capering out as if someone had given him a good shove in the back onto a surface where ball-bearings had been scattered. Flashing his dentures and full of himself, he even managed not to glower at Tactless T when she messed up the one and only ’dancing’ move she is required to do, although annoyance did seem to make him gaze, bewildered, at the autocue for a moment or two.

Have I ever mentioned how much I loathe the pair of them? I think I might have once or twice in the past.

Never mind, the rabid audience greeted his every utterance with gales of laughter - it must have taken *months* to audition all of them and pass out the golden tickets to the loudest screechers, the most tireless whoopers, the brass-palmed clappers and those who can leap to their feet quicker than Usain Bolt can burst out of the starting-blocks.

Oh, for God’s sake get on with it - where are the zelebs? Oh, right - that’s them - or, as the hubba has just corrected me, ‘those are they‘!   I wouldn’t know any of them if they came up and bit me apart from Jerry Hall and the two who were in the Olympics - sorry - spoke too soon! Has Lisa Riley lost her bliddy mind?

Do we *have* to be introduced to the joodges - all right, all right - it’s the usual Three Stooges plus Dreary Bussel who might be a wonderful ballerina but clearly failed to pirouette forward quickly enough when ‘personality’ was being handed out by the Almighty.

I was quite surprised when Pop Goodman’s tongue didn’t burst out in boils or his pants burst into flame when he delivered his annual ‘best line-up ever’ speech, not that it mattered to Bruno who seemed determined to have a premature cadenza. Craig Revile-Horrid looked bored already, but he *is* sitting next to Dreary.

This is getting tedious - hello, the band - hello, Man in the Hat - get on, get on, get on.

Okay - the pairing up:-

Fern Britten - diet-liar extraordinaire. Hmmm - looks as if the gastric band is failing to do its job, doesn’t it! Footage proves she couldn’t dance when she was young either, and only achieved a reasonable standard when partnered by Il Divino - wouldn’t we all have!

Hahahahahahahahahaah - Comrade Teethski’s been stiffed with her - hahahahahaha! He must have been practising continuing to grin like the Cheshire cat while watching his chances of winning the glitter ball evaporate like soap bubbles! Hahahahahahaha! Don’t try lifting her, tovarich, you nearly did your neck in lifting that skeletal bint with the smallest eyes in the Western World from Eastenders!

Some gormless kid from CBeebies - Oh, no! O portenza divina! Mio povero angelo Vinthente doomed to an ignominious early exit again!

La Pendleton - gasp - with Brenda(n)!!! I hope she realises that by agreeing to be part of this fiasco, she’s probably wasted her time winning all of those medals and has kissed her chances of a ‘Damehood’ goodbye!

Great - kick off time for ma boys- there will now be a blog interval of approximately 90 minutes + half time, during which the hubba and I will consume the bliddy salad, have a couple more drinks, and probably have an argument or two because he wanted to watch ‘The Borgias’! If he doesn’t stop whinging about his dinner, I might cook next week’s meal from a recipe in the ‘Lucrezia Borgia Guide to Coping with Miserable Husbands’!   

And I’m back and my darlings won 4-1! Also, thanks to recording the programme, I’ve been able to joyfully fast-forward through the ‘pro dance’ although even at that speed I noticed that the woman from Venezuela - easy to spot as the only brunette - looked so fed-up she might be contemplating taking the next plane home to South America.

Right - bring on the next victims …

An Eastender called Ricky, or Nicky, or Dicky - didn’t catch it, so I’d best check on t’Cool Blue - hmmmm, it’s ’Sid’ apparently. Well, I don’t watch ‘Deadenders’, so I hadn’t a clue who he was, and I’ve forgotten who he got - it was a blonde woman with a lot of fake hair! Hang on, they’re *all* blonde with fake hair - checked again - it was Ooh la la!

Oh, for the love of God! In the immortal words of that latter-day philosopher, Victor Meldrew, “I don’t bliddy believe it!”   A WESTLIFER! Aarrrrrgggghhhh! That means the rest of the scroats are bound to turn up and sing at some point!   Now I *know* the producers of SCD have seen this blog and are out to get me! His name is Nicky, according to Bren’s list and he got the woman from Venezuela who probably hasn’t heard of ‘Westlife’ yet, the lucky thing!

Surely this is a joke? Johnny Ball? Aged 74? Are they *determined* to have someone elderly keel over on live telly? God help us and save us! Who’s he got - Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah - Oh, pass the Ventolin, hubba - hahahahaha - what a scream! He got the former Red Peril, who has been bleached beyond recognition and will now be know as the Bleached Peril - well, she will for the two weeks she’s still in it! Hahahahahahahahahaha! At the very least, that should put paid to her ‘rolling the floors’ choreography!

Ahem …

Oh. My. God!!!! It’s my Original Beloved, wheeled out to enable Dreary Bussell to look as if only her devotion to ballet prevented her from being the world’s greatest ballroom dancer. He’s gorgeous - not *quite* sure about the darker hair, but unfortunately, wardrobe used all of the bleach on the women!

Put the recording on pause until my wildly beating heart has subsided somewhat and I’ve had a refreshing drink and separated the two protagonists in a lively cat fight which has erupted just above the hubba’s sleeping head. I told him not to dig that border out this afta while the sun was beating down on him.

Right, as he’s asleep I may as well pour his G&T into mine - how many more to go - zillions by the look of it. And here comes …

A ‘Girl Aloud’ - Kimberley something! I hope she realises that she won’t be able to mime or use a body double for the actual dancing in place of her usual voice-enhancer. Oh, rats, she’s got - blimey - is that the once sweet and lovely Pash-ion? Dear me, the prison-haircut does nothing for him, does it?

Lisa Riley - done nothing much since she was Mandy Dingle - will no doubt disappear into obscurity after a couple of weeks of this. I hope the Kwik-fit fitter has been practising lifting engine-blocks, otherwise he’ll never get her off the ground!

Van Outen, smirking and telling a pack of lies re: she’s never had any dance training or experience - shouldn’t be on this show, in my humble opinion. Still, they’ve stiffed her with the male Jordan who is probably the worst advert for the prison haircut I’ve ever seen. Speaking of hair, I wonder if Ooh la la ever sees anything of Robbie Savage nowadays?

Jerry Hall - still a looker, but any woman who would leave Bryan Ferry for Mick Jagger needs her head examining - she got The Berk! Serve her right!

Fast forward through someone singing and dancers cavorting around

And finally (I hope) ….

A cricketer called ‘Michael’ (according to Bren’s list) - so dull I forgot about him and had to add him in quickly when I counted up the contestants. Poor Tina Sparkle is the ultimate professional and smiled broadly! Surely she’s realised by now that she might as well go back to the Antipodes as the powers-that-be at SCD are never, ever going to give her a decent shot at the glitter ball?

Luscious Louis, the Olympic Gymnast - despite the prison haircut, the boy has youth on his side, wonderful bone structure and such a beautiful body he looks fit in every single sense of the word. He got Fast Flav, which seems risky as she’ll probably run off with him at her first opportunity.

Richard somebody - never heard of him, don‘t care if I never see him again - probably won’t as he’s got Erin so won’t be with us too long.

Colin - a Hollywood actor apparently - news to me!      He’s got the Soviet Strumpet - the way she slithered across the floor and twined herself around him, Calzaghe must be bricking it - *if * he’s still in her life, of course.

At last - the group fight - it must nearly be over!

Well, that was a hoot! The band have still got it in for ’Queen’ and the music was so fast and furious that the viewer couldn’t really see what’s going on apart from lots of frenzied thundering up and down and tossing of fake hair. The boy Lewis upstaged everyone by doing splendid somersaults and stuff and posing like a Greek god, leaving just enough time for Pop Forsyth and Tactless to clutch each other and mess up the last ‘dance’ move, aaaaaand - it’s over for three weeks!
Three weeks! A reprieve! Hooray!

By way of celebration, I gave an operatic shriek of joy which woke the hubba in time to watch Match of the Day and make the cocoa - see, I know how to be a good wife, I just can‘t be @rsed most of the time!       

Edited by Aida - 16 Sep 2012 at 13:20

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  Quote BambionIce Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Sep 2012 at 10:07
Thank heavens you're back, Aida  -spot-on as always!
Dreary Bussel - I'm already plotting to have the remote in close proximity for every time she opens her mouth.  Shouldn't be hard - she's sat next to Len and I never listen to him either!
 
I too hooted at the Comrade's misfortune; and as for the newbie from Venezuela, she was so blatantly channeling that Nicole whatsit (other more observant commentators have got her name right - she bores me so much I can't be botheredWhistle) that I took against the poor girl before she even had time to stop strutting and try a few dance steps.
 
Glad to know the cats are doing well - and Miss Tips has developed a similar game to Solomon, much to the annoyance of the other half, who now refuses to have anything to do with the annual Merseyside Cat Herding ChampionshipsRoll%20Eyes
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  Quote Bren Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Sep 2012 at 10:20
haha Aida SCD is not Strictly without you - as always the best laugh of the day
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  Quote TashaK Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Sep 2012 at 10:21
I missed it as my rescue gelding (horse) ripped himself up on a tree I don't need to watch it now, though, thank you

Edited by TashaK - 16 Sep 2012 at 10:22
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  Quote Catwoman Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Sep 2012 at 12:49
Aida your a legend.  Made my laugh I and cheered me up (which I need after this year).  Loved reading about your thoughts of the Zlebs lol.

My heart stopped when Ian was on as well and lost the power of speech lol.  He is so beautiful and the bare chestedness

Good to hear that the cats are up to usual behaviour and the hubster is well x
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  Quote Tups Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Sep 2012 at 15:29
well Aida..you know how I feel.. Strictly isn't Strictly without your blog.. the only thing we disagree about is the comrade.. I'd quite like to be his comrade
I watch Strictly now and see it through your eyes.. if you read the main thread you will know I often look forward to your opinions.. e.g.Tess's awful frock.. you never disappoint..welcome back Aida.. from a very happy bunny
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  Quote Aida Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Sep 2012 at 18:59
Hello, y'all - great to see we're all back together again!

Thanks, as always, for the support and encouragement!

Just one thing I really need to know - is Tashak's poor horse okay?

Edited by Aida - 16 Sep 2012 at 19:01

Cats were once worshipped as gods in Ancient Egypt. They've never forgotten this.

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  Quote Jo Bird Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Sep 2012 at 19:15

I'm going to chuckle over this for hours Aida LOL 

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  Quote anniemay Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Sep 2012 at 19:49
The icing on the cake, thanks Aida, as usual your blog describes the show so well, look forward to the next one in 3 weeks time.
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  Quote TashaK Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Sep 2012 at 01:13
Originally posted by Aida

Hello, y'all - great to see we're all back together again!

Thanks, as always, for the support and encouragement!

Just one thing I really need to know - is Tashak's poor horse okay?


He's fine, thank you, but it's set him back a bit mentally He's had a rough life, bless him, was 'rescued' at the age of 20 months by a really bad charity who are now facing jail time and £1000s worth of fines for cruelty and neglect He's now 13 and came to me at the end of March.

He's now covered in sudocrem and tucking into hay and his feed! Of course I'm off to London for 4 days from Tuesday which is really good timing
Before you criticise someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you do criticise them you'll be a mile away and you'll have their shoes.
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  Quote Thess Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Sep 2012 at 07:36
Hey hey Aida's back! LOL
Loving your work Missus.
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  Quote Bren Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Sep 2012 at 09:29
looking forward to your frock blog too Thess
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  Quote Toots Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Sep 2012 at 08:39
'Bout time you turned up Aida, it wouldn't be Strictly without you. You too Thess
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  Quote BCfan Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Sep 2012 at 13:55
Lovely to read your musings on SCD Aida.  Welcome backClap
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  Quote deborah31 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Sep 2012 at 14:52
All very funny Aida,
love the fast Flavs bit especially (she has got a bit of a reputation tho hasn't she)and Comrade Teethski  and the Diet Liar etc...
oh and the 'Dance Liar' - Denise.
Clap
Think 'Dreary' really suits her btw!!!
I would rather of had Karen Hardy myself. (excitable as she is, more animation)
 
btw I wonder if we will Karen and 'Guest' feature back this year again, talking over the dance etc.. I only watched it once, it got too annoying.


Edited by deborah31 - 18 Sep 2012 at 14:54
Loose Lips, Sink Ships !!   or as they say in Jamaice, 'Mouth open, Story fly out!'
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  Quote Bren Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Sep 2012 at 16:44
Karen is  not excitable just plain wooden in front of camera and erratic off it would have been SCD death knell if she has been anywheree near show
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