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Review of Simon's 'unauthorised book'

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deborah31 View Drop Down

Joined: 21 Sep 2008
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  Quote deborah31 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Review of Simon's 'unauthorised book'
    Posted: 10 May 2012 at 19:19
This is taken from Marian Keyes's monthly newsletter (May's)
I find her really funny (seems she's almost back to her old self, after a really bad time, and a slow recovery)
"Now about books, I actually read feck all on my holiers, I don’t really know why, I suppose it wasn’t that sort of holiday, there was never much sitting around doing nothing and then in the evenings when I was in the humour to read, the electricity often failed (but then I bought myself a torch in a market with the picture of an unknown Arsenal player on the side. He remains unidentified as yet. If I find out who he is, I’ll let you know.) But I DID read the Simon Cowell book and really I’m flummoxed. He says it’s unauthorised, but that’s clearly nonsense because there are details in there that only SC could have given Tom Bower, the writer. Such as that he took ’2 tablets’ (I’m assuming 2 sleeping tablets) the night before he sacked someone  (It was probably poor Cheryl.) And that he took half a sleeping tablet going to his 50 birthday party because he wanted to feel ‘dreamy.’ So clearly it was done with SC’s cooperation, but it’s utterly bizarre, because he comes out of it so badly. For decades, he was a laughing stock in the music industry and everything he turned his hand to, failed spectacularly. The consistent thread throughout the book is his rivalry with Simon Fuller (who invented the Spice Girls) and basically EVERYTHING SF did, SC did 10 minutes later. For example SC set up a Spice girl copy called Girl Thing (yes, where are they now?) There are (literally) about 200 pages detailing legal shenanigans which is the sort of thing I usually enjoy (I love the piece they have every month in Vanity Fair, basically entitled, “When Corporate Takeovers go Bad) but I was bored SENSELESS in this book. Stock options and back-ends and front-ends and… who CARES???!!!! It was simply there to illustrate the fact that once Simon Fuller was more successful than Simon Cowell, but look who’s more successful now! (Cowell, allegedly)

However, the strangest thing of all was SC’s history with the ladies. I’m presuming that one intention of this ‘unauthorised me arse’ book was to demonstrate just what a lovair man SC is, but there was never ever a suggestion that he was in love with any of his ‘many, many’ women. (Terri Seymour badgered him incessantly to take her on holiday and he finally agreed so long as they could only talk about him!) It’s blindingly obvious that the only woman he loves is his mammy. I know it’s a strange thing to say but the whole book reeked of SC as an asexual being. Not gay, as everyone is hoping for, but definitely not straight either. The ‘affair’ with Danniiiiiiiiiiiiii? I’m so not convinced. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if SC has never had sex. Emotionally he seems stuck at the age of 10, where he wants to have the winning conker. There is frequent mention of him admitting to having had ‘A K and a C’ (A kiss and a cuddle) with various women but not actually ‘bonking’ (His word) them. ‘A K and a C’???? I ask you??? Bonking? The sort of thing a 13-year-old would say. He also talks about ‘playing with his toys’ and by toys, he means his employees and by ‘playing with them’ he means f*cking with their heads and keeping them on continually shifting ground over their job security. His toys include Cheryl, Danniiiii, Paula Abdul, Amanda Holden, Nicole with the surname I won’t even attempt to spell and all the other poor creatures (usually women) who’ve had the misfortune to work for him. By his own admission, he enjoys seeing the girls on his panels fight with each other. He loves ‘a cat fight’ (a phrase that makes me feel almost physically sick. Like men don’t have rivals at work?)

And as for friends? Well, no worries there. He simply buys whatever he needs. He collects beautiful women, the way I have started collecting Chubby Sticks. Countless numbers of his ex-girlfriends have had houses bought for them. And many other of his ‘good friends’ like Sinitta, Paula Abdul and Dannniiiiiii, he controls their lives by controlling their jobs. But actually the whole point of the book of this UMA (‘unauthorised my arse’) biog was to show that he has finally beaten Simon Fuller. I can’t give you the details because my head will explode with boredness, but it’s something to do with X-Factor finally doing better than American Idol, and the only person it’s important to is Simon Cowell. Finally, the black loo paper – it was a little joke by his architect who wanted to make everything white and SC wanted everything dark. Save yourself the money on this book. It’s not ‘juicy’ or glamorous, it’s a dry-as-dust victory lap by an emotionally stunted, remorseless, boy-in-a-man’s-body. (I know this sounds like a very harsh assessment of his personality but the gas thing is, I think he’d take it as a compliment. I suspect he’d be swaggering around with pride at the thought that he’d never loved anyone. He’d see it as a sign of strength.)''


Edited by deborah31 - 10 May 2012 at 19:21
Loose Lips, Sink Ships !!   or as they say in Jamaice, 'Mouth open, Story fly out!'
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