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Saturday 8th Oct - the amazingly early critique

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  Quote Aida Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Saturday 8th Oct - the amazingly early critique
    Posted: 08 Oct 2011 at 20:25
I’m trying something new this week - to avoid sitting at the computer tapping away at 1 a.m., I courageously decided to watch and type - at the same time! See - the things I do for you, amici!
This, of course, means the Pyramid supper and strong drinks have to be postponed until after the show - but in order to placate the hubba and coax him into agreeing, I’ve not only recklessly promised we’ll watch a DVD of his choice, but also reluctantly agreed to try yet another ‘new’ Chinese takeaway! The cats are ecstatic and purring so loudly in anticipation, I’ve had to turn the telly up twice

Aaaand - we’re off!
Who the hell decided to allow the personality free zone which is Tactless to do an extended voiceover before the music‘s even struck up? It’s enough to make the discerning viewer switch off in horror!

Blimey - is there a rift within the lute between TT and Vermin - she’s actually wearing a decent frock, and yet again, she must have been first in the queue for hairdressing. Why does she keep pulling that pouty face - has she got toothache? Do I really care - not a jot!

And here they come - God help us - the costumes - well, we’re in for a laugh tonight, and no mistake.

Sideshow Chelsee and Pashion:-
Good idea - start with a Shakira impression - remind Valance what a ‘Pop Princess’ really is! Are they let do ‘lifts’ now? Oh, who cares - they do the same ‘Latin’ dance whatever the label. The shaggy ‘jama bottoms are horrible, but the mad hair’s toned down and looks better, the kid’s quite good and Pashion seems a decent lad.
Insult the joodges time - yaaaaaawn!
Ten minutes in and my eyes are rolling at Pop Forsyth already - and what the hell’s Goodman burbling about? Bliddy simpletons!

Eggwina and Vinthent:-
Brave attempt by Eggwina and wardrobe to outdo Princess Beatrice in the Silly Hat Stakes. And we kick off with major props - I HATE ‘props’! When are they going to thtart danthing - Oh - they are danthing - okay - when are they going to thtart doing the foxtrot? They are doing it? Well, if that’th it, it’th the thlooooooowest, thortest attempt at a foxtrot I’ve ever theen in me life! Povero Vincente! L

Audrey and Tina Sparkle:-
I’m biased - I love these two, so naturally, I loved their salsa - I don’t care what t’bliddy joodges think - Audrey’s lovely (even though he shamelessly seemed to indicate to Alesha that she was on a promise) and if he looks like going, I might even lash out fifty pence to save him! Curses! I thought Tina was going to act for the nation and bite Pop Forsyth there! Go on, girl - I’m with you all the way!

Alex Wotsit and the Former Werewolf:-
I can’t stand the Jordans, have I ever mentioned that? The hubba loathes them too since I told him that his Lilia got fired because of them! Who was that poor fat bloke she daubed in that fluorescent lipstick? I’d sue! Well, I suppose it was a proper foxtrot, but they’re boring - heavens - now she’s hurling herself at Bruno! Oh, I get it - she trying to be sexy! Fail! Still boring! Oh, the fat bloke was John Prescott - she’s lucky he didn’t punch her - he punched that bloke that egged him!

Dull Dan and the Kanadian Kat:-
‘Latin’, eh? This’ll be a gripper - not! Well, apart from the feeble handspring when I thought for a magical moment he might fall flat on his face, it was like watching paint dry apart from the lovely fondant pink frock on the Kat!

Lulu and Brenda(n) - I was trying to think of a nickname for her, but really ‘Lulu’ describes her perfectly as in such songs as ‘Don’t bring Lulu’ and phrases like, ‘she looked a total lulu in that frock’ - so why gild the lily? And off we go with - props! Grrrrr! Crikey, for a moment or two there I thought they were going to wrestle, or that he’d accidentally broken her neck, but eventually she lifted her head up and bumbled through it.
T’joodges talking her up - let’s face it, darlings, she couldn’t have been much worse than last week! Brenda(n) showing Dull Dan that he’s not the only one who can do tumbling tricks.

Jolly Holly and Comrade Teeth ski (newly varnished)
Yawn - I bet she does the same bliddy dance as she did on her one-hit video! What a bliddy cheek - that’s a Santana tune which usually heralds the arrival of the Brazilian national football team - they usually do the saarmba to it! I wish Teethski would get a shirt with buttons - I’m sick to death of seeing those creosoted pert pecs. I’m sure they were marvellous - I wish I cared. Revolting sucking-up by t’joodges - although I suppose I have to concede that she’s very pretty and classy-looking.

Rory Bremner (as himself) and La Boag:-
Cue for Pop Forsyth to big himself up before the training vid - I bet he wouldn’t recognise a Manet if I smashed one over his head. And they’re off - and it’s just struck me that the music seems to be a lot, LOT better than usual this week. Well, I didn’t think that was bad at all - I’m even starting to like his ‘impressions’! Am I going soft - no, I’m just famished , it’s still 50 minutes until supper time and the hubba and me have yet to have the ‘what shall we have’ argument.
Sorry - back to t’dancing - Craig’s not exactly encouraging - and Len’s a horrible old
sleaze, isn’t he?

Wild Robbie and Ooh la la:-
Can’t stand her - Oh blimey - an umbrella - have I mentioned how much I HATE PROPS!!!   My Nana always held that it was unlucky to open an umbrella indoors - hope she wasn’t right. He looks better to me this week - well, he actually looks a lot better - and gorgeous - she looks just like a tart as always - why can‘t she ever wear a whole frock!
Brace yourself, Robbie my sweet - here come t’joodges! Blimey - I was right - the boy’s a star!

Sigh - I could sense that ‘joke’ of Pop F’s coming a mile away. Poor Brian May - I bet when wee wifie invited him to come and watch ‘some stars’, he thought he’d need his telescope.

Mrs. B. Queen and The Kwik-fit fitter :-
Another blighter who can’t get a shirt to fit him! She looks - how can I put this - bliddy ridiculous - and so’s the dance - she’s hirpling around like a sort of middle-aged Carmen Miranda without the moves or rhythm! Hopeless - no doubt t’joodges will love them - yes - I hope they don’t imagine that sucking up to her will persuade Brian and t’lads to perform on the results show!

Popeye Donovan and The Soviet Strumpet:-
PROPS and messing about for ages! I bet Pop G doesn’t have a go at ‘The People’s Favourite’ (allegedly) ! Well, there wasn’t an excess of foxtrot in that, was there, possums? Not that it mattered to the gushing joodges! I think Alesha’s p*ssed - and so’s Bruno - and Craig - what about Pop G - yes, a full house! I bet there’s not a drop left to drink in the green-room bar! Alesha wins - with that ‘9’ she proved she’s had more of the laughing juice than anyone else!

Nancy dell’Oliveoyl and The Berk:-
Isn’t it funny how hunger sharpens the ’critique’ muscle as well as the appetite. Is it wrong to fervently wish that Pop Forsyth would be struck dumb mid-joke and carried off, foaming at the mouth at being unable to finish being boring.
Here they come - yes, waste time faffing - and being carried about - actually, she’s useless and looks as if she‘s ‘dancing‘ - I use the term loosely, on hot coals - for God’s sake pick her up again and get her out of my sight! Poor Craig was so incensed he nearly said what I was thinking, ‘F-ing hopeless!” Goodman is making me shuuuuuuddder! Ugh!

Who’s next - right - pass me the menu, hubba - and get ready with your pen!

Ahem …

Harry McFly and the Orange Peril:-
Pop F giving the coded signal to the man in charge of the electrified seats to increase the voltage - viz - ‘You’re getting tired!’
Her hallmark ‘dance’ - too much faffing! Is she trying to change her image - a proper frock, beautiful colour, and hair which will be slightly less easy to spot from outer space. Yes, very good - just get on - I’m getting fed up now, me and the cats are starving and it’s freezing upstairs where I’m typing out the bare bones. I haven’t a clue who ‘McFly’ are - and I don’t want to know - it’s enough to know that Craig and Bruno fancy the lad, so he’ll be around to bore me stiff for months.
Bloody ‘Ell, Alesha - I bet the catering staff water the vodka next week!

At last … I’ve waited all night for this …

Bouncing Russell and Fast Flav:-
Well, I’m mortified to admit it - but I just love him to lickle bits and I’ll be devastated if he gets voted out! Even the hubba roared with laughter and insisted we get up and dance along. Love him, love him, love him!

I’ll nip back later to see who’s gone - and maybe add a bit - because after this marathon, I’m not suffering the ‘results show’ - not when I’m getting meself in t’mood for ‘Downton’!

Edited by Bren - 08 Oct 2011 at 22:47
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  Quote Tups Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 Oct 2011 at 22:35
Hope the Chinese meal was worth waiting for Aida, didn't watch the show tonight as we were having a family meal so will catch up later... at least I am now forewarned to fast forward Pop F!!!!
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  Quote Bren Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 Oct 2011 at 22:45
Thank you Aida you cheered me up excellent as always
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  Quote Force Ten Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 Oct 2011 at 11:46
Brilliant Aida.  I haven't watched the show yet as had friends round for dinner, but now I know exactly what to look out for lol.nod 
What did you think of the new Chinese takeaway?  Did the cats enjoy it???
BTW if you like Will Young, he's on the Results Show tonight.
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  Quote Thess Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 Oct 2011 at 12:21
Great read Aida! Always a Sunday pleasure even though you wrote it last night nod
Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but backwards and in high heels.
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  Quote Aida Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 Oct 2011 at 15:44
Thanks so much for the comments,amici - I really appreciate you taking the time to tell me what you think!

The Chinese meal was - erm - okay - but not a patch on the food from the place which mysteriously disappeared.

The cats and the hubba loved it, though - it's enough to put anyone off eating, the sight of him and the two big toms getting stuck into plates of noodles, fried rice and spare ribs!

No wonder the vet told me (in some wonderment) that he's never come across a bigger, stronger or more muscular Black Oriental than our Solomon - mind you, to be fair, he (the vet) had just spent an exciting five minutes or so trying to recapture Sol, who was doing a Formula 1 wall-of-death race around the examination room walls, having decided at the last moment that he didn't actually want to have his annual booster injections!

I'm afraid, as much as I yearn to see the departure of Eggwina, I'm not tempted at the prospect of Will Young - his voice sets my teeth on edge and always reminds me of a musical saw!

Cats were once worshipped as gods in Ancient Egypt. They've never forgotten this.

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