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Blackpool!

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Aida View Drop Down
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  Quote Aida Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Blackpool!
    Posted: 20 Nov 2010 at 23:58
Blackpool at last!   Opening footage of the wet, windswept, tatty, dear old place which viewers who’ve never ventured north of the Wash are being conned by the Beeb into believing is the ‘Vegas of the North’! Yeah, right - and I’m the Queen of Romania!

And off we go, echoing the Vegas theme with, by way of a tribute to that unlamented (by me!) old stoat Arlene, a watered-down ‘Hot Gossip’ routine from the Strictly Strumpets and their male partners who are dressed in white satin and failing to look remotely butch - especially that useless American kid who has wisely been placed in the back row for most of the dance. God, I really hate those bliddy Jordans!

On skip Methuselah and Tactless, who was clearly too late for wardrobe and hair and is wearing her ‘jamas, and the audience rise and holler with the precision of fools who agreed to allow the BBC to attach an electrode to their nether regions which delivers a 250volt shock every time the producer requires a ‘standing ovation’. I’m bored already - can I stop now?

No, all right then, but I’m not in’t mood and this is the best I can manage while banished to the spare bedroom and the smaller telly while the hubba watches our beloved Barcelona play - my mood wasn’t improved by hearing his screams of joy as they smashed five goals past the opposition in the first half alone.

All of the cats have deserted me apart from my faithful Orlando - and he’s only here because I sneaked a small saucer of prawns from the fridge and every time he looks like leaving, I give him one - never mind - who’s up first?

The Serial Bride and Viktor Krum
I thought it was the sarmba - is she going to do the can-can instead? Who knows - the dance rules for this show went down the drain ages ago - Oh will you shut the f*ck up, Forsyth, and get on!   And they’re off, and it’s all right, I suppose - the music’s okay and she’s doing her best to bounce around - I did contemplate dancing a step or two with Orli, but he quelled me with a look, no doubt remembering being dropped and stood on the last time we sarmba-ed!
La Kensit seemed in a very ebullient frame of mind when she shot off to join Tactless and the others who were sort of hanging around at one end of the ballroom - was she drunk?   The joodges certainly were - or have they suddenly recalled that she’s a BBC employee too?

Next up - the Dancing Bores - the Eastender and Comrade Teethski.
Hahahahaha - she’s clumsily broken his neck in rehearsal, but he’s bravely going to totter on and grit his plentiful teeth - yes - wonderful - how courageous and what a clever way to get tens by playing the ’show must go on’ card and doing their usual samey dance. Hell’s Bells! I don’t believe it - Old Pop Goodman finally makes a stand for proper dancing and gets booed to the echo by the shrieking horde - he won’t do that again!

Farmer Matt and the Red Peril:-
I wish to God Forysth would be suddenly struck dumb!   Heavens, she looks even more of a trollop than ever and the very thought of him touching me makes my flesh crawl. Oh, I see - they’re doing disco-dancing and floor gymnastics instead of the sarmba, surely they’ll get marked down for that? No, not a bit of it - in this brave new world they get praised to the skies and get tens!

Flith and Vinthent:-
Gaarghh - I hate propth, but at leatht they didn’t latht long and it wath a proper danthe when it tharted - not that it matterth a damn, proper dantheth don’t attract any markth or praithe in thith thow now - they look ath if they couldn’t care leth any more and who could blame them?

Welsh Gav and The Kanadian Kat:-
Another pair who seem as if they couldn’t care less any more and are more troubled by wondering if it’ll be them or Vinthent and Flith who are sacrificed at the altar of the Fell Widdecombe tonight.

God help us all!Forsyth’s having a seizure - no, he’s ’dancing’ - quickly, Nurse, he needs topping up - bring the screens and the sedative!


Hot Scott and Tina Sparkle:-
Well, it looked like a proper sarmba to me, but unfortunately for Scott and Natalie, it didn’t have any cartwheels, flip-flops or lewd disco-dancing so was deemed to be not good enough! Next!

Pammie and The Jordan (male):-
Oh look everyone - it’s Danny La Rue! Size 8, my @rse - I absolutely hate these two blighters, and fortunately didn’t have to watch them as my dear little Solomon, bored with waiting for the Chinese supper to arrive, introduced a dramatic incident of his own into the night’s proceedings by managing to shove the window-grille aside and get stuck half-in and half-out of the bedroom window!

I’m certain now that the joodges’ comments and marks awarded are worked out in advance to the Beeb’s favourites’ advantage - apart from this next pair, of course, who look set to win it unless the producer hires an assassin!   

Tugboat Annie and The Berk:-
The best thing I can think of to say is that Big Bird from Sesame Street will probably tear out its own plumage if it ever gets to see the footage. Utterly execrable - from start to finish!

Dear me, I’ve never been so glad to hear the closing music - and Blackpool’s usually my very favourite week!

Edited by Aida - 21 Nov 2010 at 00:16

Cats were once worshipped as gods in Ancient Egypt. They've never forgotten this.

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  Quote Tups Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Nov 2010 at 00:10
Brilliant Aida.. except for picking on my beloved of course.. think we're all pretty disgusted that Widdecombe is still in it.. she has no intention of ever learning a dance.. if she gets to the final I certainly shan't be watching it!
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  Quote BCfan Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Nov 2010 at 02:37
Priceless Aida. Just brilliant. Still not tempted to watch this garbage of a series but I could never go a week without reading your take on things. Thank you SO much.
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  Quote Pandora Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Nov 2010 at 18:13
Thanks for this Your Royal Highness Worship Your comments have been a highlight in this humble family for a long time now am so very grateful that you are enduring this series to keep your subjects so entertained! Oh what's that you are not the Queen of Romania and Blackpool is not the Vegas of the NorthShocked Joking aside thanks so much, this blog is the highlight of every Saturday evening for me
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  Quote Thess Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Nov 2010 at 20:08
Fab as usual Aida.  I swear your blog is the highlight of my week LOL
Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but backwards and in high heels.
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