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Episode 5 / Episode 5 Results Recap

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Sodpenguin View Drop Down

Joined: 09 Nov 2010
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    Posted: 09 Nov 2010 at 16:48

After last week’s ill-advised Halloween gimmick, The X Factor is back. Tonight will be Guy Fawkes night, with songs about revolutionaries. We hear that Harry from One Direction is a staunch Communist, although the way The X Factor PR machine has been whirring this week, we’re half expecting a story about Wagner attempting a hostile takeover during rehearsals.


Mr. Dermot O’Leary welcomes us to the show, and the theme is American Anthems. The top hits from the United States of USA. The judges join us accompanied by “Born in the USA”, as generic a choice as possible, and managing to miss the point of the song.

First up, the gawjus Cher Lloyd. Thanks to a TWITTER EXCLUSIVE, we already knew that she’s wearing pink nail varnish. Cher’s been back to see her nan during the week, and we’re disconcerted at how young her nan is. We’ve dated women older than that. She has “pocketful of dreams” tattooed on her arm, in Spanish. We don’t know why, either. Maldito idiota.


American Anthems is this week’s X Factor theme, so we’re celebrating that by getting morbidly obese and shooting our neighbours. Or we would have done, if we hadn’t noticed that Stuart Heritage had made the same joke earlier. The big posh shit.

If you believe the papers, it’s a Double Eviction tonight, while Katie and Mary are favourites to go. But before getting to that particular piece of excitement, here’s 55 minutes of everyone’s favourite unnecessarily long results show!

That double elimination thing is shot down pretty quickly by Dermot, who stumbles over his lines, and Voiceover Man.

Plus: The RETURN of Shayne Ward! And Kylie Minogue! And Katie doing the sing-off! We promise not to do a “famous arse… followed by Kylie Minogue” joke. Promise.

The opening Glee number is P!nk’s So What. The miming is cringeworthy tonight. As is Matt Cardle’s leather jacket. It’s a hideous performance, so sickeningly twee that it’ll make you vomit out of your ears.



Edited by Sodpenguin - 09 Nov 2010 at 16:48
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