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Silly Sausage candidates make Apprentice sizzle

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    Posted: 11 Oct 2010 at 10:38

Silly sausage candidates make The Apprentice sizzle

By Jim Shelley 11/10/2010


The Apprentice - with one fell swoop simultaneously the most entertaining programme AND the most irritating cast on television.

They were "Britain's brightest business prospects".

But if they were so bright, why do they let themselves be made to look such prize twerps? "My first word wasn't 'Mummy', it was 'money'," smirked one idiot (a surgeon!). No, it wasn't.

Food business manager Melissa claimed: "I'm at the top of my game. I'm unbeatable." (No, you're not - unless your game is being a sort of grating version of Su Pollard.) A dull man in a C&A suit and red tie declared he was "a maverick. I'm not just another corporate clone". (Yes you are.)

Victoria Beckham lookalike Liz went for a less bullish approach.

"I'm young. I'm adaptable and agile," she pouted, sounding like an ad in a phone box.

These brilliant minds came up with such blinding ideas for their team names as "Synergy" and "Fusion".

Phew. The men were led by Dan - a bully from the "I didn't get where I am today" school of leadership.

"In business, there's no place for shirkers. No place for passengers... I can intimidate people. But if I achieve what I want, I don't care." Nice to meet you too, Dan. Best of all, of course, was Stuart Baggs - 21-year-old "telecoms entrepreneur" who set a Personal Best for Ridiculous Bravado by announcing: "Everything I touch turns to Sold."

Newsflash: Gold is better, Stuart.

"I'm Stuart Baggs - The Brand. I'm completely unique." Let's hope so.

Their first challenge was selling sausages - "a tough task for tough times," said Lord Sugar.

The girls ran to Smithfields fluttering their eyelashes.

"Hello boys!" one of them shouted to the assembled butchers, bouncing up and down and waving. "Come and serve us! We're making sausages!" This sounded dangerously like a metaphor.

"Excuse me, sir, may we buy some more?" she cried, like Olivia Twist.

The women - as women do in my experience - opted for a quality sausage.

The boys, meanwhile, were disproportionately proud of their small, inadequate excuse for a sausage that was full of rusk. Cheap rusk at that.

They were making sand sausages, in effect.

"They're going to taste rancid," declared Baggs. "I would rather sell a dodgy sausage than no sausage."

It was the kind of business mantra that has made this country what it is today.

Chief irritations included Melissa's insistence on calling it a "soss-arge" and the boys claiming they'd "smacked it" on the rare occasions they managed to do something right.

They resorted to wandering the streets and trying to sell sausages door to door.

The girls triumphed, having belatedly offered punters a sample by firing up the griddle.

"The old saying was never more true," smiled wily old sage Nick Hewer. "You sell the sizzle not the sausage." Ah so!

Stylishly tense, the boardroom showdown started with Baggs The Brand refusing to pack his suitcase.

He played a blinder though, mixing Grade-A grovelling with snide sarcasm.

"I'm sat across the boardroom table opposite one of the most successful people in Britain, if not the world," The Brand told a startled, almost embarrassed, Lord Sugar. (Almost.) His coup de grace though was humiliating his team leader, totting up Dan's sales on an invisible calculator.

"So that's... nought." "Let's not make this about the sales numbers," floundered Dan bravely, before pointing out (unwisely), "I hustled £14-worth of sales."

It was probably at that point that even Dan - who was once worth £2.5million - knew he was doomed.

Read more: http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/columnists/jim-shelley/2010/10/11/silly-sausage-candidates-make-the-apprentice-sizzle-115875-22625102/#ixzz122dL6xoS

Edited by Bren - 11 Oct 2010 at 10:39
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