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Jon Wise on The Apprentice

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    Posted: 10 Oct 2010 at 11:25

The Apprentice

Oct 10 2010 by Jon Wise, The People

THE Apprentice, where ­contestant Paloma Vivanco’s “bulging bangers are proving hard to pack”.

It sounds like she needs some Gok Wan treatment.

But it wasn’t Paloma’s chest that was the focus of this opening ­episode. It was sausages.

The hopefuls were split into two groups – boys versus girls – and sent off to make and sell their own sausages across London.

“I’ve read all your CVs,” Lord Alan told the contestants. “And on paper you all look very good, but then so do fish and chips.”

This lot are more like scraps than a prime fish supper.

The girls spent most their time arguing over which type of filling would give them more bang(er) for their buck. While the boys, led by bully-boy Dan Harris, went for quantity over quality claiming: “I’d rather sell a dodgy sausage than no sausage.”

Tell that to Environmental Health.

The Apprentice attracts the kind of reality show contestant rarely seen ­elsewhere on television.

They have more arrogance than Piers Morgan, more front than Katie Price and more delusional belief in their ­abilities than all of the X Factor rejects lined up together.

Where else would you find sound bites like “my first word wasn’t mummy it was money” or “I am Stuart Baggs, the brand”?

Baggs of bull more like.

Despite fighting like Girls Aloud after a night on the tiles, the ladies managed to sell more meat than their rivals, who were left with their chipolatas between their legs in front of Lord A. This left the star of the opening show, Desperate Dan, to squirm, squeal and stutter his way through his boardroom ordeal.

Dan, whose management style ­followed the rule “I’ll lead the team, you do all the work”, was a sitting duck.

So in true Apprentice style, Dan (who was apparently once worth £2.5million), was given the hilarious, humiliating dressing down he deserved before being given the boot.

This year’s line-up certainly shows telly ­promise. The contestants are ­hungrier than Vanessa Feltz after a ­four-day juice fast.

Not that it really matters who wins, it’s about the fight to get there.

There’s the usual set of easy-as-pie tasks that they all manage to fail so ­spectacularly and, of course, Alan Sugar’s genius put-downs.

The Apprentice is back at long last… thank the Lord.

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