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Week Two, Saturday Oct 9th

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Aida View Drop Down
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Penis FlyTrap

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  Quote Aida Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Week Two, Saturday Oct 9th
    Posted: 09 Oct 2010 at 20:14
It’s too early - I like to be three gins up and awaiting a sumptuous supper to watch Strictly, the food and drink being a sort of pre-med to ease the horrors of the ‘surgery’ to come.

Never mind - everything’s in order - and I have a cunning plan - I’m going to man the computer as I watch, so I can do my blog quickly and then dive into the gin (and watch the matchless Harry Hill) later on. The cats are settled, the divine Barcelona, knowing instinctively that I had another engagement, have sweetly gone off to play Internationals at all points of the globe - and the hubba’s just returned from what he deemed an ‘impossible task’ - i.e. finding a black cat in the dark - with said black cat clutched to his bosom, scowling as if possessed by demons - both of them!
Now all he has to do is stay poised with the gin, lemons, tonic and ice - and ring the Chinese when I give the signal, whereupon, in another new tactic, he claims he’s going to tell the shouting bloke to send whatever he thinks we might fancy - just like he (the shouting bloke) did last week!

And we’re off! Fourteen of the blighters! Bliddy fourteen! I must be crazy!

Crikey, what’s Tactless wearing? A grey polyester bag with ruching? It’s not a Vermin creation, is it - no, it can’t be - it has two sleeves. She seems to have been too late to catch the hairdresser too! Oops - she’s flashing the gusset again. Is that going to be a feature of this series.

Pop Forsyth proves, once again, that he’s about as funny as the Black Death - never mind - here come the victims - and - Ooh - look - there’s Debbie McGee - I still wonder sometimes what attracted her to millionaire Paul Daniels (brava Mrs Merton )

And first up, we have ….

The Red Peril and Blue Peter Matt:-
Does anyone else think she looks a bit like that ginger bloke that used to be in The Sweet? No? Just me then!
God, he’s boring - never mind the gymnast spiel, he could bore for England at international level! Ho him - a gimmicky start - I thought this was a foxtrot not a tango, she must have picked the wrong frock up and chosen the wrong music. I can’t imagine Bertie Wooster dancing this - or going for the girl-rape finish! Ah, well - I’m sure it’ll be ‘wonderful’ in the joodges eyes! Oh, it is - shut the f*ck up, all of you! Next!

D’you know something - this show could be over in 40 minutes if somebody made that old dodderer Methusaleh shut up and get on - it might help if he could actually read the autocue.

Shilts and The Survivor: -
Oh for God’s sake, don’t bring Maradona up again! Get on, I’m famished already and gagging for a drink! Eeek, fluorescent lime-green - pass my sunglasses, quick - hahahahahaha - dear God - if he’s released the ‘inner animal’, it’s that gorilla he so closely resembled in the last show! Hahahahaha - did he just trip and fall as a finale! Pass the Ventolin before I laugh myself into a bronchospasm! Shocking! Oh no - here we go - ‘Yer came out an’ give it a go!” Why does nobody ever make spiteful comments about Goodman’s grammar? At last, a few words of commonsense - thank the gods for Craig and Bruno!

Tiny NoBrain and That Goofy American Kid:-
Well, at least they look the part - good music, lovely gown and he has the slicked-back ‘Hitler hair’ so essential for all ballroom dances. It was all a bit Hollywood and American Smooth-ish, but slightly better than I thought it would be! Rats! They’ll probably stay in and we’ll have to put up with the odd Coronation Street ’actor’ - I use the term loosely - sitting in the audience, blinking back tears and clapping like a seal begging for fish!

The Serial Bride and Viktor Krum (with bigger ears):-
She looks gorgeous, the lucky cow - he’s just too much with all the strenuous pelvic thrusting, but I have to admit those non-aerodynamic ears don’t seem to slow him down much. Is it just me or does she really not seem to like him touching her? Yes, joodges - it was much improved - next!

Millionaire Paul Daniels and Mrs Jordan:-
Methusaleh has a nerve, cracking ‘Yoda’ jokes - he should look in the mirror - besides, Daniels looks much more like E.T. Oh, God help us, he’s dropped his cards and we’re off to a(nother) gimmicky start. Boring from bell to bell, I can’t stand Ooh-la since last year, so this pair have no chance with me no matter how many nicknames she makes up for them or how hard she tries to convince me that he’s ‘cute’ - he’s not - he’s old and useless! Bring on the next cupple! Now!

How many have been on now? Only four? Blimey - another ten to go - it’s like ‘The Longest Day’!

Phil from The Bill and Tina Sparkle:-
It’s a bit early to wheel on the old Granda for the sympathy vote, but the old chap was sweet. Heavens - why are they dressed as lumberjacks? He’s gorgeous though - scorching - I could definitely watch those hips gyrate for hours at a time. Ahem! Liked it, love La Sparkle - she’s great at matching steps the slebs can do to the dance! Poor Bruno - interrupted in mid-cadenza by Pop Forsyth!

The Destiny’s Child and Brenda(n):-
Will somebody PLEASE kill Forsyth! I see they still haven’t managed to entice Beyonce to turn up, just another backing singer - ah well - here they come - Oh, how I wish he’d crashed off that banister and fallen on his head! When are they going to start dancing - Oh, they *are* dancing - she still looks as stiff as an old crutch to me! Shut up, Brenda(n) that gobby act of yours got old three seasons ago.

The Frightening Bloke and Marilyn Monroeski:-
Are my eyes deceiving me? A decent frock and decent music! It was all right - better than the first week, but nothing startling. That hat of his hid a multitude of sins - his face - but I really can’t be doing with these ‘gimmicky’ beginnings and endings - surely they’re only actually dancing for about 45 seconds? I don’t want to see a ‘story’ with a foxtrot, thank you - I just want a romantic, frothy dance - you know - the kind that Il Divino used to do so beautifully.

Half-time and seven more to go! I’m shattered - I wish four cupples were going out this week! I’m not fussed about who goes because I can’t stand any of them apart from Scott Maslen, Gav and Vinthent.

Pammie and Mr. Jordan:-
Good Heavens! Jordan’s dead! Oh, rats - he’s getting up!   How many bliddy more times are we to be reminded about Pammie’s ’doctorate’? I could say very spiteful things about American qualifications from non-accredited ‘universities’, but I won’t. At least, I learned one thing - as an older blonde, I can definitely cross virulent orange off my list of possible colours to wear! Don’t like them, hardly watched the dance!

Vinthent and Flith:-
Tho they’re thmokerth, are they? Good, tho am I, tho I’ll thupport them jutht for that reathon and becauthe I love Vinthent. That’th a lovely tobacco-brown gown - they look very thweet together and he’th a lovely little danther, but there wathn’t a lot of thparkle!

The Blessed Widdie and The Berk:-
Words fail me - I’m watching but I still can’t believe what I’m seeing and I keep feeling as if I’ve slipped into a surreal dimension - see, poor Bruno’s the same - speechless - it must be our Italian blood - even Craig’s gobsmacked - not least at her brilliant and acerbic wit. Pour the drinks now, Graham, my love, and make mine a stiff one - I’ve had a shock and I need a restorative!

The Eastender and The Russian
Yawn - another gimmicky start! Get on, do! I don’t remember James Bond having that fixed rictus grin! Yes, very nice, but it seemed very short - Oh, the joodges looove them - good for them! When’s Gavin going to be on?

Now! Hooray!

Oh, Christ - shut up, Forsyth, shut up, shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!

Gav and the Kanadian Kat:-
Well, the boy is smokin’ hot, but it was disappointing - it was all a bit Ooh-la-esque - pole-dancey and jerky - I have a bad feeling about this - not enough to splash out my 50p, though - I’ll just hope his pecs and abs save him!

Jimmy Mystery and Fast Flav:-
Hmmm - it’s a bit early in the evening to introduce an S/M element with that cane. Here we go - another gimmicky start and another foxtrot/tango - surely this isn’t the right music - or am I getting the foxtrot and the quickstep mixed up again? I shall have to consult my trusty Victor Sylvester manual. He seems a nice enough bloke, but they do nowt for me as a cupple.

Oh, thank the Lord! That’s it - it’s over! Ya-hooooooo! Break out the gin and ring the Chinese!

Edited by Aida - 09 Oct 2010 at 20:16

Cats were once worshipped as gods in Ancient Egypt. They've never forgotten this.

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fantasticfoxy View Drop Down

Joined: 09 Oct 2010
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  Quote fantasticfoxy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 Oct 2010 at 21:07
Hello...long time lurker, big fan of your blog

Got to say, almost laughed at this as much as Annton's Salsa, which takes some doing

Brilliant, thank you
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Bren View Drop Down
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Vintage Vamp
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  Quote Bren Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 Oct 2010 at 21:28
PMSL LOVE it Aida 
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Tups View Drop Down
The Queen Of Tarts

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  Quote Tups Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 Oct 2010 at 22:13
on form Aida.. but you don't like my lovely Artem???? Heart
I think you've earned a darn good chinese meal and a large G & T.. hope the cats and hubba let you enjoy it in peace .. still laughing here xx
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Stanmorewitch View Drop Down

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  Quote Stanmorewitch Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 Oct 2010 at 12:09
LOL Aida, I love you---brilliant. Your blog is more entertaining than the show itself. Did you spot Tactless having a hissy fit with Brucie at the start over the length of her dress? He was holding her leg at the opening and she wanted to put it down as she thought she was probably showing 'too much'. As if we'd be interested.
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Eviesmum View Drop Down
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  Quote Eviesmum Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 Oct 2010 at 21:01
LOL very amusing again.  
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