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The Launch Show ....

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Aida View Drop Down
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  Quote Aida Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: The Launch Show ....
    Posted: 12 Sep 2010 at 01:08
Well, despite having haughtily tossed my curls and tempestuously stamped off into the sunset swearing that I was finished with Strictly for ever, here I am again! It’s true that my cheeks are mantled by a blush of shame (and champagne cocktails!) and that my heart is aching at the thought of betraying My New Beloved, the divine Matthew Cutler, but if Alesha can face it, I shall try.

And we’re off - and - Oh dear, I seem to have tuned in to the wrong programme, this is obviously some Awards thingy with a bunch of gaudily-dressed, Botox-ed blighters I’ve never seen before mincing and smirking their way down a red carpet. After much feverish channel-changing and shrill accusations hurled at the hubba, it dawned on me - this IS Strictly! God help us all!

And straight away, we’re ‘treated’ to the ‘Professional Dancers’ - what’s left of them, writhing around in no particular dance style, all of the women, apart from that piece with the radioactive hair and the Russian strumpet, looking identical, all of the male halves of the sketch wearing startled expressions and the type of haircuts which hint that someone leapt out at them on their way to the stage brandishing a pair of electric garden clippers and sheared their heads to the bone.

Well, I’m not one to grumble, but I’ve consulted my trusty Victor Sylvester and come to the conclusion that that prancing had sod all to do with ballroom dancing - never mind - here comes Methuselah, looking even more raddled in HD - and - good gracious, it looks as if Tactless Tess had dispensed with Vermin’s dressmaking efforts and treated herself at Top Shop! Quite nice, dear - but where’s the lippy?

The old fool is into his spiel and already I feel like hurling my foam brick at the telly, especially since I’ve trained the ‘baby’, Solomon, (no longer a kitten and now the size of a young panther) to fetch it back when I fling it. Just in case anyone else is training cats to retrieve, you have to pretend the objet juste is actually their toy! Ahem - back to the fiasco - Oh, be still my beating - there’s Il Divino in the audience, sitting next to Santa Claus in his civvies and looking delicious. I don’t believe it - he’s getting the blame for choreographing the abysmal opening routine! Sue them, Matthew-dahling, how dare they?

Now Old Father Time is introducing the Three Stooges and Alesha - Bruno and Craig seem to have shared a bottle of hair-dye, Pop Goodman still looks like a grinning Halloween lantern and Alesha looks beautiful, has a fixed grin in situ and tries gamely to laugh at Pop Forsyth’s ‘jokes’.

When is something going to happen? Oh, now apparently - we’re going to meet the first three of this year’s - just a second - did Pop Forsyth just say that there are FOURTEEN of them - if I’d known that there was a bliddy cast of thousands I would never have agreed to this gig!

Who’s first to take the pish out of then - Oh - it’s Phil from the Bill - hmmm - I’ve always had a bit of a soft spot for him - and look - he got Tina Sparkle! Yes, I’m quite pleased about that! Next!

Shilts! He once waved to me at Wembley when I went to see England play Brazil many years ago! He’s all right - and he got Erin who I’ve always quite liked. And the next sucker is -

- some wholesome blighter that used to be on Blue Peter - hahahahaha - he got the ginger peril whose hair can be seen from outer space. If she’s as clumsy with him as she was with Il Divino, she might well be the death of him! Hahahahahahaha - pass the Ventolin and another, stronger champagne cocktail by way of celebration.

What’s Pop Forsyth panicking about - he’s lost Tactless - shall we all look for her, children - oooops, no need - she’s in Tess’s Tower, perched high above the action like Eva Braun in Hitler’s Eagles’ Nest! One good push, that’s all it would take!

And now we’re to be subjected to the three new male dancers! Okay, let’s have a look! Hell’s Bells! As.Ugly.As.Sin. Two shaven-headed munters and one that looks like a half-wit and seems to be having trouble swirling his cape around. Is this supposed to be a sort of solo paso doble? My money’s on the bull! Rotten! Next, please!

Right - who’s this? Michelle Williams? What a swiz, I thought she was a proper Williams sister, but she hasn’t even got a tennis racket - Oh, I see - she’s the third banana in Beyonce’s group! Couldn’t she get on Dancing With the Stars then? Who are they going to stiff her with - hahaha - she got Brenda(n) - I bet they wouldn’t have fobbed Beyonce off with him!

God help us - here’s that stupid kid from Coro, Sarah-Louise - she has all the sparkling personality of an amoeba, but fortunately she got the new one who seems to match her intellectually.

Doctor Pamela Stephenson - hmmm, really? I’m sure she wasn’t so posh when she was on Not the Nine o’clock News, but I’m getting old too and my memory’s going! Who’s she got - right - the artiste formerly known as Wolverine but who now has worse hair than in the last series and is still trying too hard to be a ‘personality’!

Oh Lord, I was dreading this moment, I’ve just heard the hubba give a strangled cry of horror as he searched the armchair tidy for his rosary beads. I know, I know - I should have told him in advance that Paul Daniels, whom he firmly believes is the Anti-Christ, was going to be on the show! Still, it was funnier to hear him cursing, choking and rattling his beads, and my hysterical laughter when the wizened old gnome drew Ooh-la-la in the lottery drowned out the terrible names he (the hubba) was roaring at me! Was she pleased - Norralot ! Go on, teach him to do a ‘cheeky Charleston‘, Madam!

Dear me - can things get any worse? They certainly can, I mean, should Goldie be on telly while the kiddies are still up? Parents all over the country must be saying things like, “Come along now, Tarquin, come out from behind the settee - you’ve seen far more frightening things on Doctor Who!”   He’s got Marilyn Monroeski - at least Joe Calzaghe can breathe a sigh of relief - she’ll not be running off with this year’s partner!

And now we have Patsy, the Serial Bride - hmmm - she got one of the new frights - I wonder if she’ll marry him too?

A short interlude for more gymnastics to music, made still more special by pinching the ‘flying routine’ from Dancing on Ice! Are there to be no proper dances this year?
So far this is SCD - but not as we know it!

Okay - on with pairing up the motley crew:-

Some bloke I’ve never seen before in my life and Fast Flavia! Yawn!

Kara something and another of the new frights - double yawn!

Charlotte Church’s ex and the Kanadian Kat whom I didn’t recognise now that she’s deviated from the rest of the cookie-cutter blondes and dyed her hair.

And now we have the ’dance troupe’ prancing around - I don’t know how Judas Bennett dare smirk like that - he’d be coming home to the locks changed if I was Lilia. I hoped he’d trip up and knock the newbies over like dominoes! I’m still fond of Ian, but not as much as I once was. Rotten dance and all of the music tonight has been horrendous.

At last, and to nobody’s surprise, the Berk gets the Widdecombe, who I’m tired of already, and my darling Vinthent getth Felithity - the living proof that good bone structure is worth a vat of Botox!

And as the sun sinks slowly in the West, the hubba begins to recover from his Daniels-induced cadenza and starts searching for the menu for the Chinese, and I drain my fourth champagne cocktail and glassily watch the whole nightmare bunch of them dance what looked like a sexed-up minuet through a haze of brandy, bitters and bubbles.

Well, it was much as I expected, the only real disappointment was that it was supposed to be a 'launch' show, but nobody smashed a bottle of bubbly over Methuselah's head!

Never mind - am I going to watch the next two shows? Is the Pope German!



Edited by Aida - 12 Sep 2010 at 01:14

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  Quote Tups Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 Sep 2010 at 02:11

Welcome back Aida.. it was dire wasn't it?... but I'll watch it for as long as you care to blog it.. don't know how much more of pop Forsyth I can stand either! We now have a couple of weeks to get over tonight's effort.. after all.. it can't get much worse... can it???

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  Quote Bren Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 Sep 2010 at 09:38
great as always Aida and worth watching to keep up with your blog if nothing else am going to try and Chill ignore the dancing and watch it for comic value
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  Quote BambionIce Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 Sep 2010 at 10:16

Thank Heaven for Aida giving me a laugh, and Bren giving the only advide that will keep me sane watching this year's jamboree: forget the dancing and treat it as a better "sitcom" than the Beeb have come up with in years.  I can't imagine I will vote, but I suppose I'll have to still watch.

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  Quote Stanmore Witch Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 Sep 2010 at 10:51
 Aida I love your take on the launch show--I couldn't have put it better.

Glitz, bling and half arsed, what a disappointment after all the hype. Tongue

Ann W is embarrassing, how can she humiliate herself to this extent--ah well, she was in politics!!

Why does Anton always get the booby prize? Dance
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  Quote Thess Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 Sep 2010 at 13:41
Brilliant Aida, I was laughing out loud by paragraph three!


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  Quote anniemay Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 Sep 2010 at 16:05
Thanks Aida,  I love to hear about  yours, other halfs, and cats adventures while watching SCD 
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  Quote killersbee Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 Sep 2010 at 16:27
Amazing, Aida

I won't be watching this anymore after last year's travesty, but I'll read the blogs whenever I can
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  Quote deborah31 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 Sep 2010 at 19:36
Quote "God help us - here’s that stupid kid from Coro, Sarah-Louise - she has all the sparkling personality of an amoeba, but fortunately she got the new one who seems to match her intellectually. "
 
Very very funny Aida!!! I couldn't stop laughing at your blog!!!!Clap
I had my doubts, and thought it would actually be very bad (the show that is)- so i had no expectations whatsoever, therefore for me, it was very entertaining, and amusing, and there's not really been any dancing yet!!!!
 
Better than any Carry on film imo!LOLLOLLOL
 
 
Please keep up the blog!!!!!!!!! I'm sure the latest pope is German isn't he???
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  Quote nobbyec Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Sep 2010 at 21:48
please keep posting your blog as I am new on here and informed that the best way to work out whose liked and whose not is too read your blog. i may have said how great i thought Anton was and how embrassing would that have been!!!Shocked
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  Quote Tango Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 Sep 2010 at 08:53
Excellent as always Aida - keep up the fantastic work and entertaining us with your fab blog :o)
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  Quote Thess Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Sep 2010 at 03:20
Just re-readng Aida's post for the fun of it.  I love the term 'Russian strumpet' LOL  I think if I had to choose a descriptor to be known as for posterity, I would be comfortable with strumpet!
Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but backwards and in high heels.
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