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SCD Week1Show 2

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Joined: 02 Dec 2005
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  Quote Aida Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: SCD Week1Show 2
    Posted: 19 Sep 2009 at 23:52
Well, it’ll come as no surprise to my old pals on The Blue that I’m writing this review through a mist of tears - more of that later - all I want to say now is that if my fool of a grandfather hadn’t left Italy in a bit of a hurry and had kept in touch with his old friends back there, Goodman would soon be sleeping with the fishes!

Right - on with the motley - wardrobe had clearly forgotten the hamper containing the make-up and hair-products tonight - luckily, one of them had brought along her selection of QVC crafter’s glitter which was pressed into service and applied to the female dancers - possibly by a handful being hurled across the room to see what stuck to them. Hair was by that renowned stylist Pulledthruabush, frocks created for the more tarty artistes with insulating tape and a couple of scarves, or a gold swimming cossie draped with a bit of net curtain.

And on we go - a bit shorter than I’d planned, but I do have a heavy heart!

Jade Longjumper and My Original Beloved
The lovely Ian looked mmmrrrroowl in his half a shirt - and I just realised that she has a look of that yowler, Leona Lewis - note to self: if she so much as clears her throat and looks as if she’s going to sing, hit the mute button - quick. I hate the char char char - and this one did nothing to change my mind! Next!

Sally-Ali from The Bill and Prince Charming USA
I love these two - they’re gorgeous together and she manages to look glamorous without looking like a skank - beautiful dress, beautiful rumba - this is the very point where I really started to dislike Old Misery Guts Goodman - why does he imagine that his views are more important than anyone else’s, why does he constantly talk over Craig? I so wish he’d been replaced instead of Arlene.

Rotten. Rhythmical walking with a strained smile on his face while that ginger bint (who has all the makings of a new Windmilla) slithered about like a demented snake. He looks like a gorilla and I couldn’t care less what his thunder thighs measure.

Chris Smuggins and Oo-la-la
They were so wonderful, I can’t even remember what dance they did - but I don’t think the hubba will ever forget what was laughingly described as a ‘costume’ - he was so thunderstruck, the senior cat managed to hook three prawns out of his chow mein, unnoticed.

Kristina and Stumblin’ Joe
More rhythmical walking, slightly slower this time and with a grin reminiscent of a rictus seen on a corpse from Joe Le Boxeur. Lots of Russian wriggling. Dull - the only exciting bit was Craig’s critique - he seems to be cruisin’ for a bruisin’ ! O.O

Martini Useless and My New Beloved
Horrible frock, horrible hair and almost Fiona Phillips-level dancing from Martini - Matthew looked hot enough to cause a minor volcanic eruption, but sadly, I feared at the time it wasn’t enough to detract from Little Miss Bland - and so did Princess Alesha who gave her darling the highest mark she dared to.

Erin and Ricky Eastender
Never, in the history of Strictly, have I laughed as much as I laughed at the expressions on this bozo’s face - it was a two doses of Ventolin, screaming helplessly experience.   I’ve never actually seen a gaffed salmon dance the char char char, but I imagine it would have been exactly like this. Some of the audience were actually CRYING with laughter. Erin looked gobsmacked then relieved enough to almost faint as the judges, all of whom seemed on the verge of hysteria, gave positive comments - judging by the state of her hair, she must have tried to run away backstage and been caught and dragged back to the dancer’s entrance and hurled on to the stage.

Here come the girls - yeah, right - they can go again for me. I already loathe that redhead with a passion and the two blondes are Windmilla-esque and interchangeable - they got in the way of what would have been a very nice dance starring Matthew, Ian and somebody else - oh yes - it was Brenda(n)

Oh good - the professionals dance - aaaaaaaaaaaaargggggghhh - bliddy Windmilla and Doctor Smuggins! O.O
Is that the only dance he can do? Oh, go forth and multiply the pair of you, go, in the name of God, goooooo!!!

Pause for old Methuselah Forsythe to embarrass Darcey Bussell - then dear little Kathryn Jenkins (who had the sense to bring a proper orchestra of her own) singing a quasi-religious aria - hmmm - only Strictly could imagine that Vinthent and Flavia writhing around one another while Kath trilled on about God wouldn’t be surreal!

And now the moment of truth - no - I can’t do it - it’s too painful - you’ll just have to imagine me, standing sadly at my window like Scarlett O’ Hara when Ashley Wilkes rode off to war, tears running down my face as I whisper, “Oh Matthew … Matthew’

Curses! I've just realised I forgot all about the Oxo Loose Woman and Diddy Darren - if only the voting audience had too! Better frock than last night, fixed grin which couldn't have been removed with a sand-blaster on both of them, slowest rhythmical walking of the whole night - I sense the Loose Women fans girding their loins to make SCD as much of a farce as they empowered that wretched Nolan woman to make DOI!

I'm going to bed now - I'm FURIOUS!    

Cats were once worshipped as gods in Ancient Egypt. They've never forgotten this.

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