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Grace Dent's TV OD 6th September

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    Posted: 06 Sep 2007 at 23:04
Thu 6 September 2007, 4:25PM
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…Brian Belo won Big Brother 8
"Oh, my dayzzzz! Oh, my dayzzzz! It's like a dreeeam come true, Davina! I fauwt I'd magged myself right off like a proper plant pot, but I won!" Brian sobbed, hugging the squeaking twinnies to his chest. Oh, dear, I wonder if he's worked out yet that nobody really cares. Yes, BB8 finished last Friday, but Britain was in the pub after asking its mum to text them the result instead.

One week on, the twinnies have been signed by top showbiz agent Jonathan Shalit and are releasing Barbie Girl. Meanwhile, Ziggy and Chanelle have been "reunited" and according to the Daily Star, have been "living a red-hot sex and champagne lifestyle and are loving every minute of it!"

You could read about their "romps" on page 7, 8, 9 and 11. This isn't bad stamina really for a man who has been locked up for 90 days. I can only imagine that every time Ziggy hops aboard he's haunted by the image of Carole tweezering ingrown hairs from her pant-beard.

In other news, Celebrity Big Brother 6 has been cancelled owing to selfish Paris Hilton totally refusing to fly to Essex and live in an MDF prison with ex-members of London Beat and a presenter from ITV Make Your Play. Or eat fried carrots, or eventually get deported for "racist bullying". What a bloody spoilsport she is.

…Hell's Kitchen began again with Marco Pierre White!
When will Abi Clancy get caught astride MPW round the back of the freezers? Why do women find Marco so alluring when he actually resembles a soft-focus Jerry Sadowitz splattered in lamb fat? And why does Jim Davidson dislike Brian Dowling so much?

Has Jim perhaps lost a terrible amount of money phoning up The Mint on late-night ITV just to hear his own voice on terrestrial telly? Or maybe Jim really is "a homophobic arsehole" as he joked this week. Maybe Jim honestly did think that Brian was put in charge of pastries and should sleep in the girls’ dormitory because of “what Brian's like”. Well, by that logic, Jim should be put in charge of out-of-date produce and be sleeping in the garbage.

…Raymond Blanc got personal in The Restaurant on BBC2

Oh, good, another reality show about a bunch of people who aren't trained to do something, doing it very badly. Unlike Hell's Kitchen, this is about management, not cooking, which is unfortunate as these people are actually too unattractive to work front-of-house in any eating establishment. And when they mess up, Raymond Blanc pulls them into the boardroom and moans at them.

This would be more tense if you could make out a word he's saying. “Ahm nyat huppy wiv ze state of yer appul pie!” Raymond grumbles. “Eh?” peer the couple. “Yur upple pie was too huvy! Eet is no goodenuf!” “You what? What did he say? Something about curry?” Repeat every week until October or until you die of suspense. Whichever comes first.

…Jodie Marsh got married. Someone took her up the aisle!
Congratulations, Jodie Marsh! You finally found someone who'd go along with your reality-TV wedding! Good for you! You just pressed on and did it anyway! Despite the contorted pain on all your family's faces. Despite the fact that your “husband” previously had a bunk-up with Jordan.

Despite the fact your relationship is clearly toxic. Or that you spent all last week screaming that you “f***ing hate each other”, slamming the doors of each other's cars and visiting psychotherapists.

Despite the fact that no celebrities would come to your wedding. Not even Sid Little or Linsey Dawn McKenzie. Despite the fact that if Sid Little and Linsey Dawn McKenzie got married for a reality show, I'd give them better odds for lasting a year.

Despite the fact that you finished the ceremony by putting Matt's name on the deeds of your house so now he legally owns half if it, you utter plant pot. Good luck living out of a bin bag back at your mother's house by Christmas. And it will all be the media's fault for tricking her into it, too.

…Nigella Lawson was very, very, very busy
The one thing I've learned from this week's new BBC2 series Nigella Express is that Nigella Lawson is very busy. Previously we've been led to believe she just sloths about in pyjamas freezing pig entrails to make broth, with chocolate cake all over her face. But now, Nigella is in a colossal hurry and that's why she needs “quick food” “on the go” “right now” “with no delay”, because when Nigella gets back from “a hard day” she needs a “meal in minutes”.

Nigella, darling, let's be frank, I love your recipes, I love you...but you're not that busy, are you? Really busy people do not rush home and start basting individual organic poussins with baked sweet potato followed by a sticky banana croissant pudding. They have toast. Actually, they try to have toast. Then after picking all the greenest bits off the loaf they bought before Easter, they order a deep-pan Fiorentina.

We did get a taste of why Nigella is so busy. Trips to her publisher to sit in a deserted boardroom pointing at pages. A trip to the supermarket. Erm, that's it. And then Lord Lawson her dad came over for a relaxed supper, sitting poking his poussin in a starched shirt and cummerbund like he was off to the state opening of Parliament. “Gosh, I'm so busy!” said Nigella, “I've hardly got time to make this Japanese wasabi dressing to go with my squid!”

It's busy, viewers. Just not as we know it.

…A gorilla mastered the air drums bit to Phil Collins
This is the best advert ever in the history of adverts. For ladies, it's got an anthropomorphised gorilla being fluffy and cute. For blokes it's got the brilliant air drums bit to In the Air Tonight by Phil Collins. And all it aims to do is make you smile. And apparently they've got more adverts just like it up their sleeves! I love telly, I do.

…Chocolate spread became actually really good for you

I love the new Nutella adverts. I had no idea that Nutella on toast was actually a health food full of nutty goodness. But it is. I'm getting me a big jar of that and throwing out all of my fruit!

…Amy Winehouse stole the show at the Mercury Music Prize

Oh, so what if she weighs about five stone, is covered in bruises and looks like someone who hangs about King’s Cross Station trying to sell individual shoes she's stolen from a sports shop, Amy Winehouse nailed Love Is a Losing Game at the Mercury Music Prize on BBC4 on Tuesday. She didn't win the prize, however, the Klaxons did.

I adore the Klaxons, but they should really curtail speaking in public. Especially the tall one with the gammy leg and the crutch who keeps crying like a Shaun of the Dead character who has finally, tragically worked out that he's on the baddies’ side.

Thankfully by 8:00am the next morning, even the Klaxons had given up trying to make sense. The band showed up for their BBC News 24 appearance nice and promptly, then rolled, gurgling, about the Green Room in an advanced state of natural enthusiasm while a producer in a headset wept into his running order.

Then Alex their friend decided to go on live TV and talk to Kate Silverton instead. But he was just as high on life as the band were. And then it all started to go very wrong. And now the Klaxons have no future bookings for BBC News 24. Or any other breakfast telly in the future of telly that starts very early, ever.

Phew, what a week!

What should I be watching? Post a comment now.
Posted by GraceDent-RT Thu 6 September 2007, 4:25PM
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